Wishes

I wish I had hair like David Lynch
but not like Kim Jon Un.
I wish I could have a shootout at noon
but only with a water gun.

I wish I could paint like Vincent Van Gogh

but I want to keep both my ears.

I wish I could write as well as John Keats

but live a lot more years.

I wish I could run as fast as a cheetah

across the Serengeti

and lose about eighty-five pounds

on a diet of pizza and spaghetti.

I wish I had the strength of Superman

and could squeeze diamonds out of coal.

I wish I were as good looking as Narcissus

without being such an asshole.

There are so many things I wish for

to make my life more sweet,

but if all my wishes were horses

there'd be nothing but shit on the streets. - Jeff Barnes

Absent Friend

Denial, the old joke says,
is not a river in Egypt,
but I find myself drowning in it
all the same.

You would  have appreciated, that

fond of wordplay as you were.

I read your old e-mails

when I wish I could

talk to you.

I drink tea and listen

to the steady blowing

of the vent in this office,

a background noise

to accompany my drift

into the past,

to the time I made you laugh,

almost causing the Coke

you were drinking

to come out your nose

and how you did the same to me

a few minutes later

and grinned that gotcha back

grin at me.

The day after you died

I got a piece of junk mail 

offering me a deal

on my final expenses,

and on the anniversary

of your passing, I 

got the same offer in the mail

and I believed you were

messing with me from the other side,

at least that is what I

chose to believe because

deny any notion that

I will never see you again.

I deny the idea that you

are gone forever,

that you are not still around

shaking loose these memories

from the vault of my sorrow

to help me write this poem to you. - Jeff Barnes

Slothman

Superman came from the planet Krypton.
He can fly to Jupiter and  be back before you knew he was gone.
Nobody on Earth can equal his might.
Nothing can hurt him except kryptonite.
His flights through space have been farther than NASA's.
He can disguise himself with a simple pair of glasses.
He can cause a hurricane with a single breath
and once he even managed to come back from death.
He can clear the tallest building in a single leap
and do all this while Slothman is still fast asleep.

Wonder Woman honed her skills early in her youth.

She finds out what she wants by using her lasso of truth.

She has all powerful bracelets of submission.

You can't defeat her. That would be a futile mission.

You can't equal her brains or her brawn.

She is the greatest of all the Amazons.

She proves that females are not the weaker gender.

See her fly though the air in all her splendor,

while Slothman, in his tree, has no intention of alighting.

He is content to let others do the fighting.

Batman is dark, moody and introspective.

He is truly the world's greatest detective.

He prowls the city from night until morning.

He lurks in shadows and strikes without warning.

While we are sleeping safely in our sheets

he is patrolling Gotham City's streets.

He'll be out there until daylight,

for, as he likes to remind us, he is the night.

He will fight supervillains as well as lowly thieves,

while Slothman is content to loaf and munch on leaves.

Then one day came a great aberration.

Something destroyed the Earth, every continent and nation

and almost everything else in creation.

There was destruction in every location.

The planet was consumed in a great conflagration

as though everyone suffered eternal damnation.

What led to this dreadful situation?

There is one clue as to its causation:

The superheroes all went on vacation

and left Slothman in charge of the Justice League's space station. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Streams of silver black
like a moonlit waterfall
cascade down your back. - Jeff Barnes

Flamingo

The pipe under our sink
would resemble your neck, I think,
if only it were pink.

Among your many talents
is your ability to balance
in a one-legged stance
making you look graceful
as though in a dance.

You are quite fleet

thanks to your webbed feet,

when you run on the water

without the slightest totter.

You're truly a water trotter!

You and your mate

are never apart.

You flex your necks

into the shape of a heart

as you stand beak to beak

in Thane Creek. - Jeff Barnes

Our Only Vice (with apologies to Wallace Stevens)

Don't call the roller of big cigars.
We gave up smoking years ago.
Never mind the concupiscent curds.
We just want the soft serve to flow.
Let the wenches wear what they want.
It's nobody's business anyway.
Don't bring flowers in last months newspapers.
Just bring us each a butterscotch sundae.
Then you will see how our eyes will gleam.
Our only vice is eating ice cream.

I take from the dresser of deal

whatever t-shirt suits my whim.

I always buy them in 3X size,

for it's been ages since I was slim.

We get into our softest jeans

and put comfy sneakers on our feet.

We start up  the car on this sunny day

and go out to get ourselves a treat.

We wear loose clothing so as not to rip our seams.

Our only vice is eating ice cream. - Jeff Barnes

Legacy

I inherited my father's crooked teeth
and ears that look like jug handles.
I also got my mother's gnarly feet.
It's why you never see me wearing sandals.

Mom also left me her arthritic knees.

I don't walk so much as I limp.

Both parents left me their FTO genes.

I struggle not to resemble the Goodyear blimp.

Some say they are haunted by family ghosts.

I shake my head and scoff at such fools.

The thing that troubles me the most

is being haunted by my own gene pool. - Jeff Barnes