Monday, January 22, 2024

The Bluebird (With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

On a day quite bright and cheery, I was feeling rather eerie as I read a volume of my favorite writer, Edgar Allan Poe. While I read a tale so gruesome, a brisk breeze suddenly blew some annoying visitor through some, through some forgotten window. A bluebird of happiness blew in through some open window and he tweeted, "Cheer up, bro!"

I sat in my chair not heeding, determined to keep on reading
and ignoring this stupid bluebird who through the window had come,
with his cheery disposition, unlike any apparition,
he was clearly on a mission, a mission to make me succumb.
To a happy disposition he wanted me to succumb.
Quoth the Bluebird, "Why so glum?"
I tried to read of woe and gloom, the bluebird wouldn't leave the room
save when he flew out and brought me in his beak a yellow buttercup.
I was feeling vexed and crappy, he was being blithe and sappy,
determined to make me happy, happy, carefree and brightened up.
He wanted me to laugh, smile, be mirthful and to brighten up.
Quoth the Bluebird, "Lighten up!"
At this point I'd had quite enough of all this mawkish maudlin stuff.
I wanted to be left alone and now I was in a terrible snit.
I went and brought in my pet cat and I told him "Have at that!
It's a bluebird tasty and fat, a fat, delicious tidbit!"
My hungry cat went after that fat tasty looking tidbit
Quoth the Bluebird, "Holy shit!" - Jeff Barnes

Sunday, December 10, 2023

The Garden of Earthly Delights

Beauregard Sweet Potato and his sidekick Lemon Basil went out to the garden to spread their seed about. Beau put the moves on a glacier tomato who told him to buzz off and then gave him a clout.

Basil went after a small red bush dry bean
and suggested they have a roll in the dirt,
but she shunned him for a devil's tongue looseleaf lettuce
who, it turned out, was a much more skillful flirt.
Beau then approached a goldenseal
but she was too upper crust.
Basil propositioned a scarlet runner bean
but she left him in the dust.
Beau hit on a cherry tomato but she
told him she preferred to remain chaste.
Basil struck out with a chickpea who said
long red peppers were more to her taste.
Basil was ready to pack it in but
Beau told him not to fret.
He said, "Don't give up, my friend!
There is hope for us yet!
"Somewhere there must be horehound
or maybe some fast lady cow-peas.
We'll have better luck with them.
They're always eager to please!"
Beau and Basil decided
they had ho reason to hang around,
and so they left their garden
and went in search or more fertile ground. -- Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, August 29, 2023

Haiku

My foot his pillow, tired gray cat stretches out. Rainy August night. Jeff Barnes

Saturday, July 15, 2023

Haiku

Two wooden boxes.
These ashes were once our cats.
Rainy summer night. - Jeff Barnes

Wednesday, July 12, 2023

Harvest

Green tendrils rise from the ground, wrap themselves around my legs.

Stone Buddhas sit oblivious as watermelons fly like zeppelins strafing the garden.

Their seeds pierce
my flesh
like bullets.
Falling,
I see sunflowers
tower above me.
Their golden-lashed eyes
watch helplessly as my blood permeates the soil, nourishing the next crop. -- Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

Waiting for Paul McCartney (in memory of my sister)

I should stop wearing jeans so much, likewise this flannel shirt. I need to wear more dresses and occasionally a skirt. I must start wearing makeup and occasionally a frilly blouse, just in case Paul McCartney ever shows up at my house.

I must get rid of these glasses
even if my vision is blurred;
these ugly frames make me look
like some kind of bookish nerd.
I’ll get contact lenses
even though they’re a conceit,
just in case I meet Paul McCartney
walking down the street.
I must cut down on ice cream,
French fries and potato chips,
so if Paul McCartney ever comes to town
I’ll no longer have these unsightly, chubby hips.
The news comes on the radio —
Oh no! Do my ears deceive?
This is tragic news that
I simply cannot believe!

THAT BASTARD MARRIED SOME BROAD NAMED LINDA! — Jeff Barnes

Monday, May 22, 2023

Praise the Lord Store

Would you like a cookie cutter in the shape of the Bethlehem star or maybe a Holy Spirit air freshener to hang up in your car?

How about this picture of Jesus
turning water into wine?
We have a canvas print of it
for only $39.99.
Here's another picture of Jesus
emerging from his tomb
and we also have this one
with eyes that follow you around the room.

Here's one that shows him walking
on the sea of Galilee.
If you buy two of them
we'll throw in the third for free.
Do you see the Ten Commandments
carved in those tablets of stone?
They look real but are pillows
made of memory foam.

How about this crown of thorns?
It's actually a wreath for your door.
We'll give you a John 3:16 t-shirt
if you spend $50 or more.
We have earrings and cuff links
in the shape of a Jesus fish
and a picture of the Last Supper
etched on a serving dish.

Maybe you need some mud flaps
for your pickup truck?
We have them with various scripture quotes --
one pair for 30 bucks.
Here's an action figure set
of Daniel in the lion's den.
Do you like this crucifixion nail?
It's really a ball point pen.

You might like this Noah's Ark shaped bowl
to hold gravy or dipping sauce
or maybe a box of toothpicks
made from the wood of the True Cross.
We have the 23rd Psalm
printed on a toilet seat
and temporary stigmata tattoos
for your hands and feet.

Our store is conveniently located,
so feel free to stop in.
But remember we're never open on Sundays
because that would be a sin. -- Jeff Barnes