The Vermicious Little Man

He liked to give the impression that he was multiscious
though this was in fact fictitious.
He was actually quite unambitious
and not a little meretricious
and often was pernicious,
sometimes even vicious,
malicious, and flagitious,
so I advise you to be judicious
and when someone claims to be multiscious,
be more than a little suspicious. - Jeff Barnes

Replacements

 He planted seeds on top of his head
after  his hair fell out
and hoped that with enough sun and water
orange tulips would begin to sprout.

When one day his eyes absconded

he put two marbles in their sockets

and made sure that he always had spares

which he carried around in his pockets.

He put jug handles on the sides of his head

after his ears went missing

and used asparagus to replace his departed lips

though it wasn't much good for kissing.

He stuck a big dill pickle on his face

after his nose ran away

but when his tongue disappeared he didn't replace it

for he had nothing he wanted to say. - Jeff Barnes

Mausoleum

 A grave is lonely, dirty, and dark.
That's why I want a mausoleum instead,
so that I might have a spacious place
to accommodate me after I am dead.

Don't take me to the crematorium.

I won't need an embalmer or gravedigger.

I just want to be stuffed and mounted

like Roy Rogers's beloved horse, Trigger.

Prop me up on a comfy couch

in front of a widescreen TV

so that my friends may come and visit

and watch some movies with me.

There will be plenty of food on hand

in case anyone wants a snack.

I'll have the fridge frequently restocked

so my friends will keep coming back. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Taken unawares --
poor broken-necked daffodils
drooping in the cold. - Jeff Barnes

Worst Christmas Haiku Ever

What a place to die! Stink bug in the litter box this Christmas morning. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

 Frozen in the sky
as if in morning sun's thrall --
winter solstice moon. -  Jeff Barnes

The Smells of Christmas, 1965: A Haiku Sequence

I watch Christmas lights
outside the kitchen window.
Mom's sugar cookies.

Gotta be saintly

lest Santa Claus pass me by.

Turkey's almost done.

Best present ever!

Mattel's Creeple Peeple set!

Stinky Plastigoop! - Jeff Barnes