When the meeting is boring -- doodle!

 

His Ex-Wife's Cat

 His ex-wife's cat followed him home one night,
waited outside until he went to bed,
crept in through a window and, in an act of spite,
defecated  on top of his bald head.
The man woke up next morning early and bright,
several hours after the cat had fled.
He let out a yell so loud that all his neighbors heard,
when he looked in the mirror and saw his toupee turd.

His ex-wife's cat followed him home again,

found an open window and crawled inside.

The man started snoring at half past ten

and the cat padded over to his bedside,

jumped onto the nightstand and then,

seeing the man's wheezing mouth opened wide,

carefully positioned himself on the  headboard

and urinated down his throat as he snored.

His ex-wife's cat followed him home once more

but this time didn't catch him unawares.

"I'll kill you, you feline bastard!" he swore

as he came running down the stairs.

"You won't torment me anymore,

so you'd better say your prayers!"

The cat prayed to Bastet and beseeched her to protect him.

She appeared forthwith and tore the man a new orifice for his rectum. -- Jeff Barnes

Chiaroscuro

 Barely discernible in her bed,
she blends in with the artificial dusk
created by the closed blinds .

In the dimness she sees

her late daughter, her parents

and her friends from childhood

like a home movie

projected on the wall,

flickering with her consciousness.

Nurses come and go

but gradually become less real

than the parade of the deceased,

their voices becoming more muted

as if she is hearing them

from an  expanding distance

as she feels herself vanish

like an early morning moon

ebbing into the lightening sky. -- Jeff Barnes

Ivy

Ivy thinks of when she stood
on the beach, just beyond the reach
of the lapping waves.

Seagulls circled above her
like guardian angels and
her hair danced
like wisps of dark smoke
in the wind. 

She remembers when she drew

pictures in the sand every day

and how they washed away

with each new tide

 

and when she watched sails

turn orange in the distance

gradually disappearing

as they seemed to sink

into the horizon,

followed by the setting sun.

 

On  breezy days

she holds her seashell

to her ear, listening

to the spurious rumbling

of the ocean

 

and stands beside

her open window

to let her hair dance again

like wisps of white smoke

in the wind. -- Jeff Barnes

A Streaker Runs Past the Ladies' Garden Club as They Plant Flowers on the Public Library Grounds

Monique shrieked. She got freaked out
when she saw a geek streak down the street.

She said, "Gertrude! I can't believe

what I just viewed!  Some dude ran down

the street in the nude! I am no prude but

I think that was rather crude!"

"Rather crude?" said Gertrude.

"I'd say it was downright lewd!

Let it never be construed that I am a prude

but I can only conclude this was sheer turpitude

on the part of that nude dude."

''Who knows,"   said Rose, "why he chose

 to run down the street without his clothes,

completely naked from his head to his toes?"

"To be fair,"  said Clare,

"maybe he had nothing to wear."

"I don't care," said Adaire.

"It's unfair that we should have to stare

at someone who is bare in the open air."

"Au contraire, Adaire," said Clare.

"Nobody is making you stare."

"That's the truth," said Ruth.

"Let's not be uncouth.

We're rather long in the tooth

to ogle such a youth."

"That's what I say," added May.

"Let us turn our eyes away

and not be led astray."

"Now hold on!" said Yvonne.

"Is it so wrong to leer at his schlong,

especially when it is so firm and long?"

"I agree,"  said Bea.

"If you want to look away

you are free, but don't deny me

my right to see this young man's pee pee!"

"Hear hear!" said Guinevere.

"Let me make clear 

that we have a right to leer!

Let him come back here

and I will gladly cheer

his perfectly shaped rear!"

"And what do you say?"

she asked Renee,

"about what we have seen here today?

Was looking okay or should we have turned away?

Was it too risque? Yea or nay?"

"Does my word have so much sway?"

asked Renee? "Do what you may

is what I say.  I just know I'll never again

see a hibiscus in quite the same way." - Jeff Barnes

Peanut Oyl

Olive decided that she'd had enough.
Popeye was a crude sailor,
Bluto a bullying lout.

Sure, it was fun sometimes

when they fought over her

as she blinked her eyes

coquettishly.  It

was a boost to her ego.

But she had outgrown that sort of thing.

She realized that she was a woman

whereas Popeye and Bluto

would always be overgrown boys.

And both were working class.

What sort of life

could they really offer her?

She was raised for better things.

And so she decided that she was through with dive bars.

She would only mingle with the

upper crust of society and one magical night

she found the sort of man

she was looking for.  He was elegant from

his top hat down to his polished shoes 

and his spats, from his monocle

to his walking stick and his white gloves.

Here was a successful man --

owner of the Planters Company and

an advertising icon in his own right,

with his picture plastered on

peanut jars and cans worldwide.

At last, Olive lived in luxury

and never wanted for anything,

except maybe a little more attention

now and then.

But he was busy.

Olive understood.

He had a corporation to run and a product to promote

so it was not surprising

that he returned home at all hours

and some nights not at all.

Yes, she heard the rumors

about him and Betty Boop

but she paid them no mind.

All famous people are subject

to vicious gossip and lies

in the tabloids.  It was the downside

of an otherwise perfect life.

She ignored the rumors

until once when she

was still awake at 2:00 A.M.

and, looking out the window,

saw his limousine pull into the driveway,

saw the flailing of a pair

of shapely legs in the 

back seat, heard the

euphoric squealing and 

"Boop boop de doop boop!"

Olive stood at the window in the dark

and waited for him.

She heard the limo leave

as he instructed his chauffeur

to take the slut home.

When he walked in the door

she turned on the lights and saw

his face, all covered with

lipstick.  She grabbed

his walking stick and hit

him repeatedly with

it, until his shell cracked and,

with her size 15 shoes, stomped on his nuts

until they were nothing but crumbs.

She packed a bag and left the house,

vowing never to return.

She always loved the night

but now not even the

chill foggy air could cool her rage.  -- Jeff Barnes

The Injustices of the Supreme Kangaroo Court

We are the Injustices of the Supreme Kangaroo Court
and we have passed our latest rule.
We think you should have all the guns you want.
But abortion? That just isn't cool.
We insist that you bring your babies into the world
so they can be shot in school. - Jeff Barnes

Anniversary

 Seventy-two years have passed
since my parents got married
on this very day.

But I will not celebrate

since they are both dead

and hated each other anyway. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Don't worry, daisy.
I won't pull your petals off.
I know she loves me. - Jeff Barnes

Halfway

The crows have dominion
over this crepuscular day.
The sun behind the clouds
can't overpower the gray.

Bare branches in the window 

wave outside the room.

It seems that this old tree

has forever ceased to bloom.

It's the night of the new moon.

Light a candle for Selene,

for the dusk will bring Walpurgis Night.

We're halfway to Halloween. - Jeff Barnes

Firsts

When I was a baby

my grandmother gave me

a plush turtle

wearing an orange hat.

My first gift.

I slept with him,

watched TV with him.

We were never apart.

My first best friend.

When I got sick

and threw up on him,

he had to be

thrown away.

Mom couldn't save him.

But she detached his 

undamaged hat

and I kept it

for years afterward.

My first grief. - Jeff Barnes 

Ode to a Coffee Mug

Oh, you revered vessel of renewal,
more precious to me than any jewel,
I reached into the cabinet and chose you
and now my hands gently enclose you,
warming me on this cold day's dawning,
though I be bleary and still yawning.
I raise you to my eager lips
and start out with gentle sips,
but soon I will take a big swallow
and then another swallow will follow
until all your contents are gone,
but you won't be empty for too long.
You will once again be filled
and not a drop will be spilled.
I'll lift you to my lips and then
will empty you once again.
Can I do it three times, or maybe four?
Because you know I always want more.
I love how you stimulate me!
Only you can satiate me! - Jeff Barnes

Tree Talk

Trees have a vast underground network
through which they can talk among themselves,
but what do you suppose they talk about?
"Hey, I heard  that Albert is now a set of shelves."

"I felt a tickly sensation

of something climbing up my trunk.

I thought at first it was a squirrel,

but it turned out to be a pesky little chipmunk."

"Did you hear about poor old Ernie?

He was taken way too soon.

Parts of him are in several kitchens,

for he got turned into wooden spoons."

"I must admit I have a crush on Donna.

She's the prettiest tree I've ever seen.

I just adore her perfectly shaped branches

and her leaves are strikingly full and green."

"Yes, Donna is beautiful, I know,

but I am madly in love with Lucy.

She is breathtakingly tall and majestic

and her red apples look delicious and juicy."

"Edward has become quite a show-off

now that his wisteria is in full bloom."

"Poor Matthew is now a coffee table

standing in somebody's living room."

"The neighborhood kids are always climbing me.

I really detest those little brats!

Still, it could be worse. I could be Thomas.

I heard he got turned into baseball bats."

"Joyce Kilmer said he'd never seen a poem as lovely as a tree.

He is the very definition of a hypocrite!

They keep cutting us down to make paper for his poem.

Have you ever heard a bigger crock of shit?"

If you feel a vibration under your feet

and hear a mysterious, murmuring sound,

it might be trees talking to each other.

You can listen if you put an ear to the ground. - Jeff Barnes

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Four lanes of traffic.
Modern city? Well, mostly.
Horseshit in the street. - Jeff Barnes

Twila

Twenty years of bar fights
have made her face look rough.
She has a house full of children
and a mouth full of snuff. 

Three packs of cigarettes a day
have given her a gravelly voice.
Spandex leggings and camouflage jackets
are her couture of choice.

 She's only thirty-six years old
and already is a great-granny.
She has tattoos of Jesus and Trump,
one on each cheek of her fanny. 

They are her two saviors,
the objects of her adoration.
She's counting on one to save her soul
and the other to save her nation. - Jeff Barnes

Micky

Still a believer,
keeping the music alive --
last Monkee standing. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Leafless in mid-spring,
these old trees, much like me, are
slow at waking up. - Jeff Barnes

Ned the Dragon and Fred

I woke up this morning
with a feeling of dread
when I saw a dragon
at the foot of my bed.
His eyes were yellow
and his scales were red.
I was really scared until he said,
"Good morning, Fred!
My name is Ned!
Please excuse me for appearing
at the foot of your bed.
I had to give up the life I led
in a faraway hamlet," he said.
"They hated me there,
and so I fled."

"That's terrible!" I said.

"I know," said Ned.

"I had to find a place where

I'd be welcome instead."

"I admit you gave me a scare," I said,

"when I saw you at the foot of my bed.

And how did you know my name was Fred?"

"It  was what I read 

on your mailbox," he said.

"Fred Hempstead,

a name that rhymes with my name, Ned.

And your house, like my scales,

is a bright shade of red.

I took that as a good sign," said Ned.

"I have lots of room," I said.

"You seem very polite and well bred.

You're taller than I am

but only by a head.

I think you'd fit nicely in the spare bed."

"That sounds wonderful!" he said.

And now I share my homestead

with my scaly red 

well-mannered friend, Ned. - Jeff Barnes

Elegy

 It was a poor way to say goodbye
and an even worse attempt to
mend a friendship almost 
forty years later, yet
what else could I do
but leave a note
and flower
on your
grave? - Jeff Barnes

The Death of Blue

The M&Ms, Orange, Green, Yellow, and Brown,
all were gathered and standing around
the hole they had just dug in the ground.

Everyone had brought colorful flowers.

The sky was gloomy and the mood was dour

on the day that Blue was devoured.

Green, standing at Yellow's side,

 said, her lips quivering as she cried,

 "This truly is the day the music died."

Orange said, "I can't believe he's really dead."

"There's nothing left of him to bury,"  said Red.

And so they buried his saxophone instead. - Jeff Barnes