Haiku

By the crumbling road: 
barely livable old shack.
Trump flag flies in front. - Jeff Barnes

Tick in Her Eye

1965. Catholic school girls at a mandatory Mass.

"Hey," whispers one to her friends,

"Have you heard that new

Beatles song? It goes,

'She's got a tick in her eye

and she don't care.'"

Their teacher, a nun they nicknamed

Big Bad John, is not amused and,

once they are back in the classroom,

tells them to put their heads

down on their desks

and think about their disgraceful behavior

in the house of God.

When my sister

told me this story years ago

she said she realized two things:

that stifling her laughter,

with her head down on her desk,

in the presence of an angry nun

made her realize that she had

more self-control than she

ever dreamed of,

and that inappropriate laughter

is the best kind of laughter there is. - Jeff Barnes

Mortimer Snickersnee

Mortimer Snickersnee has 36 eyes.
There's nothing that escapes his sight.
He can fill a gallon jug when he cries.
Mortimer Snickersnee has 36 eyes.
He scrutinizes everything that each eye spies,
whether in the light of day or dark of night.
Mortimer Snickersnee has 36 eyes.
There's nothing that escapes his sight. - Jeff Barnes

Summer Sonnet (With apologies to William Shakespeare)

Shall I compare you to a summer's day?

You grate like the noise of grass being mowed.

You hurt my eyes more than the sun's rays

and smell worse than drying tar on the road.

You're as annoying as a sunburn on my forehead

or being stung by twenty-six bees,

or when the air conditioner is dead

when the temperature is ninety-eight degrees.

You're like an ice cream cone dropped on the sidewalk

and melting all over the place,

as pleasant as poisonous hemlock

or a mosquito bite on the face.

You're like sweat that makes my jeans stick to my thighs

or drips down from my brow and burns my eyes. - Jeff Barnes

What Is?

 What is a river?
A secret road that takes you to unknown places.
What is fog?
A photograph filled with out of focus faces.

What is an onion?

A world in which there are many different lands.

What is freedom?

A lifetime in which nothing is ever planned.

What is longing?

The view of the horizon as the sky turns pink.

What is loneliness?

A single sheet of paper without a drop of ink.

What is peace?

A desert highway where no one will ever pass.

What is exuberance?

The wind making waves in a field of uncut grass.

What is the foundation of life?

A heart that beats under the bed of the sea.

What is anything?

Anything is anything that you want it to be. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku Noir

"Gun in your pocket
or just glad to see me?" BANG!
"Double crossing dame." - Jeff Barnes

Biodiversity

Most humans can't lick their own elbows,
but why would anyone want to?
A crocodile can't stick out its tongue,
so it must find other ways to taunt you.

Pigs cannot look up at the sky.

That's why they never howl at the moon.

We humans share 50% of our genes with bananas

and 94% of them with baboons.

Penguins look like they're formally dressed,

but then so do tuxedo cats.

Vultures look like they wear old fashioned bloomers,

and some crabs wear sponges as hats.

Ravens are capable of higher thought,

and so, in fact, are crows.

An octopus has nine brains!

There's no telling how much it knows!

Elephants have extraordinary memories.

Whales sing complicated songs.

Humans think we're the best creatures on Earth,

but I think that we might be wrong. - Jeff Barnes