The Oldest Old Fart

Don't expect to find me lying in the back of a hearse.
My goal is to be the oldest living being in the universe.

I want to see my great great great great great grandchildren's graduating class
and live long enough to need a robot servant to wipe my ass.

I'm not eager to leave this life anytime soon,
at least not until I see colonies on all of Pluto's moons.

I want to grow 98,632 miles of white hair
and see every ocean on the planet evaporate into the air.

I want to celebrate the 500 trillionth anniversary of my birth
and see the extinction of every cockroach from the Earth.

I want to see what used to be Mount Everest lying flat
and be able to call Methuselah an impertinent young brat.

When, at last, the universe is entirely destroyed,
I want be be around to live peacefully in the void. - Jeff Barnes