The Ballad of Woody and Rita

Woody Canoebubble always wore
a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts,
sandals, and a Peruvian hat.
One morning he spilled hot coffee
on his left knee because,
unbeknownst, to him he was using
a false cup and saucer
which couldn’t hold liquid at all.

Realizing that he was out of
band-aids and salve, 
he walked to the drugstore to get some,
accompanied by his pet,
a sparse dove named Dave,
who was never up to flying but always
rode on Woody’s Peruvian hat.

The cashier at the drugstore
was a redhead named Rita,
whose smile made her face
resemble an incised moon.

Woody told her he was fascinated
by her shuttlecock volva 
and her striped engina
and she almost slapped him until
she realized he was speaking of
the seashells she kept on 
the counter for luck.

He called her Strawberry Top
because of her red hair and
said he had fallen in love with her.
She said she had always
found love to be an unequal, bittersweet
thing, but he promised her it would not
be so this time.

He asked Rita to marry him
and she agreed to do so
at 4:00, when she got off work.
He came back for her at 4:00
and, because of her sensitive skin,
she put on a heavy bonnet
when they left the store.

After walking around the city a while
they happened upon a cathedral
where they met a bishop wearing
a ghastly mitre but, despite that,
he seemed a nice enough fellow
and agreed to marry them on the spot.

After the ceremony, the three of them
(Woody, Rita, and Dave the sparse dove)
thanked the bishop, took a taxi
to the airport and, flying on a new
airline called Atlantic Turkey Wing,

embarked on their honeymoon. — Jeff Barnes