Outside our front door yesterday evening

 

The Sofa on the Ceiling

You can put your sofa on the ceiling,
watch the sun rise on your floor,
see your bulldog dance the samba
as you listen to your goldfish roar.

Feel free to wear a parka in Hawaii
or a bikini at the south pole.
Discover the secrets of the universe
by looking in your toilet bowl.

Ride your surfboard to another galaxy.

Don't let anyone tell you that you can't.

If you like, fill a teacup with topsoil

and grow yourself a bubblegum plant.

You can sail a submarine over the Himalayas

and celebrate Christmas in May.

Some of us go down the rabbit hole

thirty-seven million times a day. - Jeff Barnes

Proud Boys

From the time they lay in their cradles,
soiling their diapers
and sucking on their binkies

they were raised on a steady diet

of Fox News, fast food burgers,

Hostess Ding Dongs and Twinkies.

They have big trucks and they have big guns

to compensate for their tiny brains

and their microscopic dinkies. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Eating cold pizza while standing in the kitchen -- New Year afternoon. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

 Early morning snow -- noontime icicles dripping. Last day of the year. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

 Late this troubled year in predawn kitchen window -- full moon through the trees. - Jeff Barnes

Cryptid Christmas

I.

They call him abominable,

but that is quite unfair.

He is gentle and cuddly,

like an overgrown teddy bear.

He hangs Tibetan prayer flags

on his Christmas tree

and sits by his fireplace

sipping yak butter tea.

He'll invite you into his cave

to have a delicious brown betty.

You'll get nothing but hospitality

when you spend Christmas with a Yeti.

II.

He loves to bask in

the northwest winter's breeze.

All year long he is surrounded

by majestic evergreen trees.

In December he decorates them

with tinsel, lights, and glass balls

while sipping on some eggnog

and singing "Deck the Halls."

He will offer you hot chocolate,

gingerbread cookies, and butterscotch.

That's the reception you'll get at Christmas

if you visit a Sasquatch.

III.

You will certainly find proof of this

so-called monster's largesse

if you travel for the holidays

to the shores of Loch Ness.

Nessie always makes sure

that visitors are well fed

with cock-a-leekie soup,

hot porridge, and shortbread

laid out neatly on fine dinnerware.

Never is it messy.

That's what you will find

if you spend Christmas with Nessie.

IV.

This creature has sharp fangs,

but he won't go for your throat

unless, that is, you happen

to be a juicy goat.

But he will gladly share

Christmas dinner with you.

After he drains the goat's blood

he will serve you a tasty goat stew. 

He'll decorate the palm trees

and light the night with a candelabra.

That is what you should expect

if you spend Christmas with a Chupacabra.

V.

If you see three red lights

in the Christmas Eve sky

it is Rudolph's shiny nose

and Mothman's glowing eyes.

He blithely flies in  circles

around Santa Claus's sleigh

as he and Santa's reindeer

gambol about and play.

As they cross the Ohio River

does he reflect, perhaps,

on that fateful day so long ago

when the silver bridge collapsed? - Jeff Barnes