Haiku

Early spring morning --
mist rises from the river
foggy as my mind. - Jeff Barnes

Feline Love Poem

 Nothing is as comforting to me
as the feel of your soft, fluffy fur
or the relaxing sounds you make
when you tenderly purr.

I love it when we meet out back

in the garden of roses.

First we come face to face,

then ever so gently we touch noses.

Of all the sounds in the world

nothing to me is as sweet

as the sexy yowls you let out

whenever you go into heat.

You outshine all others. 

There is no one cuter.

I curse the day these humans

decided to have me neutered. - Jeff Barnes

Marcellus, Clyde, and Saturn: An Impossible Adventure

The sun came up this morning
like a Turkish cat's orange eye.
Marcellus Popsocket sat up in bed
and noticed his mouth was bone dry.

He brewed a pot of coffee

and shared it with his camel, Clyde.

They drank six cups each

and then they walked outside.

They looked up and saw the planet Saturn

hovering in the sky,

so Marcellus hopped on Clyde's back

and they began to fly,

for Clyde was the only camel in the world

who had a pair of wings.

They zoomed through the air and very soon

they landed on Saturn's rings.

Marcellus asked Saturn

why he was flying so low.

"I fell out of my orbit," Saturn said.

"How that happened I don't know.

But I have to get back up there!

Do you think there is a way?"

"Clyde and I will help you," Marcellus said.

"We're bored and need something to do today."

Clyde kept many useful things

in his saddle pack.

Marcellus removed a long rope and said,

"I think we can take you back."

He looped the rope around Saturn's rings

and made sure to tie it tight.

Then Clyde spread his magnificent wings

and the three of them took flight.

They got Saturn back into his orbit

though they had to travel a great distance.

"Oh thank you both so much!" Saturn said.

Clyde said, "I'm glad we could be of assistance."

Marcellus and Clyde returned to Earth

just as night was falling.

They had done a good days work,

and now their beds were calling.

Marcellus fluffed his pillow

and lay back with a sigh,

just as the moon was rising

like a black cat's yellow eye. - Jeff Barnes

Teachers

 In 1966
Adam West as Batman 
instilled in me
respect for justice,
the use of proper grammar,
and a love of pop art.

The Frankenstein monster,

chased by angry mobs

across the TV screen,

taught me that when you are hated

it says more about the haters

than the object of their hatred,

while Scooby Doo revealed to me

that the real monsters

are, invariably, humans.

Bugs Bunny let me know it was okay

to live life on my own terms,

and that I should never take crap

from anybody,

while Curly Howard taught me

to never let the Moes of the world

crush my spirit

or my sense of silliness.

John Lennon inspired me

to play with words

and to twist them in ways

that would send pretentious academics

into paroxysms.

Charlie Brown taught me

to be true to myself

even in the face of ridicule,

to seek out the Linuses of the world

in times of misgiving,

while Snoopy taught me

to dance through life and never let the world

constrain my fancies. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

By the crumbling road: 
barely livable old shack.
Trump flag flies in front. - Jeff Barnes

Tick in Her Eye

1965. Catholic school girls at a mandatory Mass.

"Hey," whispers one to her friends,

"Have you heard that new

Beatles song? It goes,

'She's got a tick in her eye

and she don't care.'"

Their teacher, a nun they nicknamed

Big Bad John, is not amused and,

once they are back in the classroom,

tells them to put their heads

down on their desks

and think about their disgraceful behavior

in the house of God.

When my sister

told me this story years ago

she said she realized two things:

that stifling her laughter,

with her head down on her desk,

in the presence of an angry nun

made her realize that she had

more self-control than she

ever dreamed of,

and that inappropriate laughter

is the best kind of laughter there is. - Jeff Barnes

Mortimer Snickersnee

Mortimer Snickersnee has 36 eyes.
There's nothing that escapes his sight.
He can fill a gallon jug when he cries.
Mortimer Snickersnee has 36 eyes.
He scrutinizes everything that each eye spies,
whether in the light of day or dark of night.
Mortimer Snickersnee has 36 eyes.
There's nothing that escapes his sight. - Jeff Barnes