Praise the Lord Store

Would you like a cookie cutter in the shape of the Bethlehem star or maybe a Holy Spirit air freshener to hang up in your car?

How about this picture of Jesus

turning water into wine?

We have a canvas print of it

for only $39.99.

Here's another picture of Jesus

emerging from his tomb

and we also have this one

with eyes that follow you around the room.

Here's one that shows him walking

on the sea of Galilee.

If you buy two of them

we'll throw in the third for free.

Do you see the Ten Commandments

carved in those tablets of stone?

They look real but are pillows

made of memory foam.

How about this crown of thorns?

It's actually a wreath for your door.

We'll give you a John 3:16 t-shirt

if you spend $50 or more.

We have earrings and cuff links

in the shape of a Jesus fish

and a picture of the Last Supper

etched on a serving dish.

Maybe you need some mud flaps

for your pickup truck?

We have them with various scripture quotes --

one pair for 30 bucks.

Here's an action figure set

of Daniel in the lion's den.

Do you like this crucifixion nail?

It's really a ball point pen.

You might like this Noah's Ark shaped bowl

to hold gravy or dipping sauce

or maybe a box of toothpicks

made from the wood of the True Cross.

We have the 23rd Psalm

printed on a toilet seat

and temporary stigmata tattoos

for your hands and feet.

Our store is conveniently located,

so feel free to stop in.

But remember we're never open on Sundays

because that would be a sin. -- Jeff Barnes

View from the Sun Room

 

Haiku

By the crumbling house --
washing machine in the yard.
West Virginia spring. - Jeff Barnes

Boss Hoss Silver Special

The only thing I vividly remember praying for

as a child in church 

was that my Hot Wheels

Mustang Boss Hoss Silver Special

(only available by joining the Hot Wheels Fan Club)

would arrive soon.

My mom had sent them a check

a million years ago, it seemed

and I waited

and waited

and waited.

Every day I came home from school

only to find it hadn't arrived.

Mom wrote letter after letter

to the Mattel toy company,

as I said prayer after prayer,

and finally Mom wrote and threatened

to report them to the postmaster for mail fraud.

About a week after that final letter I came home

and there was a package for me.

My Mustang Boss Hoss had finally arrived!

A few days later, a second Mustang Boss Hoss arrived,

and then, a few days after that,

a third one!

Did Mom's threatening letter prod them into action,

or was it the power of prayer that worked for me?

Who got tired of being nagged,

Mattel?

Or God? - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Like glofish, these leaves
shine through the mist, swimming
in the wind-blown rain. - Jeff Barnes

Morgantown

Not even the rows of cherry trees
that line the walkways of the park
or the building murals you can see
as you walk up the streets and down
will ever satisfactorily cover
the stench of this cesspool town. - Jeff Barnes

To Karen

Your name is a short form of Katherine
but it doesn't sound nearly as pretty.
Is that something that nettles you?
Could that be why you're so shitty?

I thought you seemed okay at first,

but every day you seem to worsen.
If you had a name like Elizabeth or Mary

would  that make you a better person?

You're as pleasant as a colonoscopy prep,

toxic as a deep breath of sarin.

Might you be a bit more human

had you a name other than Karen? - Jeff Barnes