Haiku

Two wooden boxes.
These ashes were once our cats.
Rainy summer night. - Jeff Barnes

Harvest

Green tendrils rise from the ground, wrap themselves around my legs.

Stone Buddhas sit oblivious as watermelons fly like zeppelins strafing the garden.

Their seeds pierce

my flesh

like bullets.

Falling,

I see sunflowers

tower above me.

Their golden-lashed eyes

watch helplessly as my blood permeates the soil, nourishing the next crop. -- Jeff Barnes

Waiting for Paul McCartney (in memory of my sister)

I should stop wearing jeans so much, likewise this flannel shirt. I need to wear more dresses and occasionally a skirt. I must start wearing makeup and occasionally a frilly blouse, just in case Paul McCartney ever shows up at my house.

I must get rid of these glasses

even if my vision is blurred;

these ugly frames make me look

like some kind of bookish nerd.

I’ll get contact lenses

even though they’re a conceit,

just in case I meet Paul McCartney

walking down the street.

I must cut down on ice cream,

French fries and potato chips,

so if Paul McCartney ever comes to town

I’ll no longer have these unsightly, chubby hips.

The news comes on the radio —

Oh no! Do my ears deceive?

This is tragic news that

I simply cannot believe!

THAT BASTARD MARRIED SOME BROAD NAMED LINDA! — Jeff Barnes

Praise the Lord Store

Would you like a cookie cutter in the shape of the Bethlehem star or maybe a Holy Spirit air freshener to hang up in your car?

How about this picture of Jesus

turning water into wine?

We have a canvas print of it

for only $39.99.

Here's another picture of Jesus

emerging from his tomb

and we also have this one

with eyes that follow you around the room.

Here's one that shows him walking

on the sea of Galilee.

If you buy two of them

we'll throw in the third for free.

Do you see the Ten Commandments

carved in those tablets of stone?

They look real but are pillows

made of memory foam.

How about this crown of thorns?

It's actually a wreath for your door.

We'll give you a John 3:16 t-shirt

if you spend $50 or more.

We have earrings and cuff links

in the shape of a Jesus fish

and a picture of the Last Supper

etched on a serving dish.

Maybe you need some mud flaps

for your pickup truck?

We have them with various scripture quotes --

one pair for 30 bucks.

Here's an action figure set

of Daniel in the lion's den.

Do you like this crucifixion nail?

It's really a ball point pen.

You might like this Noah's Ark shaped bowl

to hold gravy or dipping sauce

or maybe a box of toothpicks

made from the wood of the True Cross.

We have the 23rd Psalm

printed on a toilet seat

and temporary stigmata tattoos

for your hands and feet.

Our store is conveniently located,

so feel free to stop in.

But remember we're never open on Sundays

because that would be a sin. -- Jeff Barnes

View from the Sun Room

 

Haiku

By the crumbling house --
washing machine in the yard.
West Virginia spring. - Jeff Barnes

Boss Hoss Silver Special

The only thing I vividly remember praying for

as a child in church 

was that my Hot Wheels

Mustang Boss Hoss Silver Special

(only available by joining the Hot Wheels Fan Club)

would arrive soon.

My mom had sent them a check

a million years ago, it seemed

and I waited

and waited

and waited.

Every day I came home from school

only to find it hadn't arrived.

Mom wrote letter after letter

to the Mattel toy company,

as I said prayer after prayer,

and finally Mom wrote and threatened

to report them to the postmaster for mail fraud.

About a week after that final letter I came home

and there was a package for me.

My Mustang Boss Hoss had finally arrived!

A few days later, a second Mustang Boss Hoss arrived,

and then, a few days after that,

a third one!

Did Mom's threatening letter prod them into action,

or was it the power of prayer that worked for me?

Who got tired of being nagged,

Mattel?

Or God? - Jeff Barnes