Martha

 Martha wore roller skates
while doing a ballet dance
and poured hot sauce on her escargot
at a  posh restaurant in France.

All eyes were on her

when she went around the block,

bouncing on a pogo stick

wearing nothing but her socks.

She embarrassed her family

and made the minister nervous

when she danced the polka

at her grandpa's funeral service.

That is Martha's curse in life.

She must be an attention whore.

Nothing fills her with so much dread

as the thought of being ignored. - Jeff Barnes

Five Deaths

 I

Bitter in old age,

he foresaw nothing better.

He just wanted out.

II

Nightly rosary --

her ticket into Heaven?

I wouldn't be sure.

III

Ever since she passed,

I sense her spirit is here

when crows lurk about.

IV 

His was a half life

and had been for many years.

His death, no great loss.

V

Her passing was slow.

She faded into her sheets

and then she was gone. - Jeff Barnes

Dog

Wide as she was long,
she would wag her tailless butt --
walking ottoman. - Jeff Barnes

Basil Bumgardner

One morning when Basil Bumgardner got out of bed
he found that tulips were growing out of his head,
but what was even more weird
was that violets had replaced his beard.
There were two red roses where his ears had been
and fresh green ivy crept up his shins.
He had tree branches for arms and a carnation for a nose.
Gladiolas had replaced his fingers and toes.
He wondered if perhaps he'd gone crazy
when he saw that his eyes had turned into daisies.
"I don't know how it happened," he said to his mate,
"but I seem to be in a vegetative state."
"I married you for better or for worse," said his spouse,
so they went to live happily ever after in a greenhouse. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Face like a death mask,

he needs only this moment.

Our Zen master cat. - Jeff Barnes

My First Day

The only color to be seen that day
was the deep gray of the clouds.
The air was drenched with rain,
the thunder, fiery and loud. 
The wind sounded almost like
a contrabass French horn.
That's what it was like
on the day that I was born.

Grandma took my sister

out to trick or treat.

Her paper sack soaked right though

and her candy dropped on the street.

She ate it all anyway

and later got sick and hurled.

That's the kind of day it was

when I came into the world.

It was a Halloween so dark and rainy

that it seemed like a cliche.

Witches flew high above the trees

as their branches began to sway.

The leaves all swirled about

like spirits on a spree.

Everyone said it was gloomy and dreadful

the day that I came to be. - Jeff Barnes

Our Castle

Tomorrow morning we'll wake up
at whatever time we wish.
We won't have to go to work
because we'll be filthy rich.

When we leave the bedroom we'll find

that we now live in a 100-room castle,

with robot servants to do the work,

so cleaning up won't be a hassle.

It will be on top of a hill

just like an eagle's aerie.

We'll have a beautiful sculpture garden

as well as a massive library.

There will be suits of armor

polished and on display, 

and also a forbidding moat

to keep Jehovah's Witnesses away.

We'll have stained glass windows

and gargoyles -- can't forget about them,

because really, what would be the purpose

of having a castle without them?

Let's be off to bed now

and close our sleepy eyes.

All of this will come to pass

tomorrow when we rise. - Jeff Barnes