Haiku

Ghosts hang from branches,
dance and wave like real spirits --
late October wind.  - Jeff Barnes

Swanwick House

Come visit us at Swanwick House
where everybody is dead.
Lady Marceline will greet you
in her flowing dress of deep red.

You'll find she has a most charming smile

if you can break through her reserve.

She passed away two hundred years ago

but as you can see, she is well preserved.

Come join us at our table.

Please don't mind that we are dead.

We put evaporated milk in our tea

and spread blackberry jam on stale bread.

Come sit down and feast with us

and join us in conversation.

We think you will enjoy our stories.

They span hundreds of generations.

We are quite mirthful at Swanwick House

even though we are all dead.

Uncle Leopold makes us all laugh

every time he removes his head.

Ghosts fly in and out of our windows.

They frolic each night with the bats.

in bed we always feel the kneading

of the paws of all our deceased cats.

We don't belong to the world of the living,

but don't think of ourselves in the past tense.

Our closets are full of skeletons,

and I mean that in a literal sense.

We offer you shelter and company.

We bid you come in out of the rain.

We will welcome you into our family.

We invite you to come in and remain. - Jeff Barnes

Philpotts the Not So Silly Goose

Philpotts is not a silly goose. 
He actually is quite serious. 
The other geese don't care much for him.
They think he's snobby and imperious.

Philpotts considers it beneath him to honk.

He speaks the King's English instead.

He dresses in a long-tailed black coat

and wears a top hat on his head.

He doesn't mingle with other geese,

finding their noisiness much too trying.

He has a brass-handled walking stick

and can't be bothered with flying.

Philpotts strolls the streets and city park

when he wants to take the air.

He spends evenings in his apartment,

reading a book in his easy chair.

Philpotts doesn't sleep in a marsh or a field,

preferring his comfortable bed.

He wakes up at a reasonable hour

and enjoys tea with jam and bread. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

These last days of spring
we are aging together,
this old cat and I. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Don't delude yourself.
It would carry you away.
Cat watches a hawk. - Jeff Barnes

Instructions for My Funeral

I want my funeral to be a celebration of my life.
I absolutely forbid anybody to mourn.
Don't show up with sorrowful faces.
It should be a happier day than the day I was born.

Don't play lugubrious, funereal music

and don't fill the room with the sounds of your sobs.

I want plastic skeletons to dangle from the ceiling,

merrily dancing to Saint-Saenz's "Danse Macabre."

I couldn't stand to be in a suit and tie

with everybody standing around my coffin staring.

Dress me in jeans and a Grim Reaper t-shirt.

That's what I would like to be wearing.

Laugh and tell each other grim jokes.

Don't stand around all teary-eyed.

I want you to dance to Terry Teene's "Curse of the Hearse"

as they come to load me in for my last ride. - Jeff Barnes

Mr. Green

I knew a man named Mr. Green
who was crusty, irksome, and downright mean.
He was always venting his spleen
about how he hated the color green.

He paved his yard with concrete

to avoid having grass.

He thought Kermit the frog

was nauseating and crass.

Every year on March 17th

he hid himself away.

He couldn't stand the sight of people

dressing for St. Patrick's Day.

The very sight of broccoli

gave him a sense of dread.

He always shunned green apples

and only ate the red.

Even when he was a child

he would pout and sulk

if anyone gave him a comic book

featuring the Incredible Hulk

He said he'd rather starve than eat asparagus,

broccoli, or avocado toast.

He thought of changing his name until he realized

it was himself that he hated most. - Jeff Barnes