Friday, April 4, 2025

Laughing Buddhas

The big black one
brings memories
of my fat black cat,
the gentlest pet
I ever had.

Four on a pop art poster
smile at me from the wall
as I sit on the couch and read.

One astride an elephant
reminds me not to be
fixed in place,

while the one on the dashboard
bobs his head to the music
as I drive down the highway.

Two sit on shelves
with their walking sticks
and bags of who knows what,
as they guard all my books
and various curios,

while the faux jade one
sits on the dresser
and glows in the dark,
happy to be a lodestar 
who sees us through
the night. - Jeff Barnes

Thursday, April 3, 2025

Verse Things Waiting

I couldn't be a psychologist
because I'm the one who's crazy,
nor could I be a manual laborer
for I am weak and lazy.

I wish I had been born
a rich lady's spoiled black cat.
I'd love to be a ghost in a haunted house,
but I'd have to be dead for that.

I've worked at all sorts of jobs
but I never managed to fit in.
It might be nice to be a vampire
but first I'd have go get bitten.

I couldn't be an engineer or accountant,
a teacher, a doctor, or a nurse.
The only thing I am qualified for
is writing silly verse. - Jeff Barnes

Wednesday, April 2, 2025

Turkey Buzzard

I thought you would have
noticed my approach but,
so absorbed were you in your meal
you didn't even look up
until I was almost upon you
and honked my horn,
catching an all too brief look
at the sweeping span of your black wings
and the redness of your comically menacing head
as you flew off to the side,
seemingly vexed at the interruption
rather than frightened at the prospect
of becoming roadkill yourself. - Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, April 1, 2025

Mr. Costello and Winnifred

Mr. Costello
is completely yellow.
He's quite a mellow fellow
who plays the cello
and loves lemon Jell-O.

He fell in love with Winnifred
who is completely red
and has a level head.
The two of them wed
and eventually bred.

They had a daughter who was not yellow like Mr. Costello,
nor was she red like Winnifred.
She was orange instead,
but since orange has no rhyme
they simply named her Clementine. - Jeff Barnes

Monday, March 31, 2025

Portrait of Elon

In his visage you won't find
a single tender feature,
not even the confused innocence
of Victor Frankenstein's creature.

All that I can see
in his shady smile
are the saliva-dripping teeth
of a hungry crocodile.

He's got the eyes of grifter
looking to con his next schmuck
and a character as soulless
as one of his Cybertrucks.

I suspect he's not really a member
of the human race
and that you will find a circuit board
if you peel away his face. - Jeff Barnes

Monday, January 27, 2025

How Mrs. Potato Head Got Her Groove Back

 

After years of therapy
and reading pop psychology books,
Mrs. Potato Head came to realize
that she was married
to a narcissist. 

Most people thought
that Mr. Potato Head was
a wonderful guy because
he had been amusing children for years,
unaware that he secretly despised them.

 

They might have been shocked to learn
that he had two sprouts of his own,
after his secret affair with the sweet potato
in the next row of the garden,
and afterwards he completely
disowned these tater tots and
would have nothing more to do
with their mother.

Years after they were married,
Mrs. Potato Head found out
about this indiscretion, but she 
forgave him because he was,
after all, a young spud whose lust
overpowered his judgment. 

And she kept on forgiving him
for his indiscretions,
his temper tantrums,
his petty tyranny
and his broken promises. 

But it was the neglect
that hurt the worst.
He liked to be seen
with her in public, and
in films and commercials
but only because she
made him look good.
People constantly
told them they were a cute couple
and that fed his ego. 

But in their private life
he ignored her most of the
time, preferring to
hang out with Oscar the Orange
and Pete the Pepper,
and more than once she caught him
ogling Cookie Cucumber and Katie Carrot. 

One day in October
she realized that she didn't need
him, and she decided to leave.
She packed up various
accessories -- shoes, extra mouths,
eyes, arms and everything that would
fit in her car, and she left. 

As she was driving
on a lonely stretch of highway
she saw something in
the distance -- a figure lying
on the gravel by the
guard rail.  She pulled over
and saw that it was a banana. 

She thought it might have been
tossed out of a car window
or fallen off a fruit truck. 

She rummaged through
her trunk, pulled out extra pairs
of eyes, ears, arms, legs
as well as a nose and mouth,
which she put on the banana. 

The banana breathed,
blinked his eyes, and smiled
at Mrs. Potato Head.
She smiled back at him
and they both kne
they had instantly fallen in love. 

She helped the banana,
whom she named Byron,
to his feet and into the
passenger seat of her car.
She got behind the steering wheel
and they drove off into their new life together. - Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, January 14, 2025

Haiku

Perching cardinal --
naked tree's only garnish
in silent snowfall. - Jeff Barnes