Dream

Last night I had a dream that I was watching TV and really had to go to the bathroom. A commercial came on, so I tried to rush to the bathroom so I would get back before the show started again. I was almost to the bathroom when Mike Nesmith of the Monkees rushed in and got there before me, and he turned around and gave me a very smug look. Then I woke up and really did have to go to the bathroom.

Haiku

Rainy August day --
Trump flag in the neighbor's yard,
waterlogged and limp. - Jeff Barnes

Lyndon's Johnson

Lyndon Johnson's johnson was his pride and joy.

It was bigger than Robert McNamara's,

bigger than Ho Chi Minh's over  in Hanoi.

He liked to wave it around.  He even named it Jumbo.

He said, "It's the biggest thing you've ever seen

and as delicious as the most succulent gumbo."

Any time he got the urge, he'd whip it out and pee.

"I'm so goddamned proud of this thing," he said,

"I only wish I were allowed to show it on TV!"

He had the bathroom altered because he valued cleanness.

He had the plumber install a shower nozzle

that pointed directly at the presidential penis.

"I have a big nose," he said. "My hair is turning gray,

but with a penis the size of mine, I declare
I should be more of a ladies' man than JFK!" - Jeff Barnes 

Haiku

Black butterfly lands
on my hand as I walk out
to mail a letter. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

My hand's a pillow
for the old cat's sleepy head.
Lazy summer day. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Above the roadway
twisting like a wind-blown rope --
snake in a hawk's beak. - Jeff Barnes

Parts

Frankenstein, when you put me together
you surely must have been drinking,
otherwise I simply cannot imagine
what  in the world  you must have been thinking.

You gave me this cadaverous face

and a big, flat, ugly head.

Couldn't you have given me the face

of  Rudolph Valentino instead?

Look at these hands you sewed on!

Your work was careless and botchy.

Why could you not have given me

the hands of Liberace?

I hate these feet you gave me,

so big, clunky, and smelly.

Why, oh why didn't you give me

the graceful feet of Gene Kelly?

This voice I have, alas,

is as unlovely as my body.

How I wish you had given me

the larynx of Pavarotti.

The brain you put in my head

is impulsive and downright stupid.

You should have given me the brain

of Socrates or Einstein or Euclid.

People run screaming when they see me

and I feel that you, my creator, betrayed me,

for you were so driven, hasty, and careless

that you did a slipshod job when you made me. - Jeff Barnes