The Garden of Earthly Delights

Beauregard Sweet Potato and his sidekick Lemon Basil went out to the garden to spread their seed about. Beau put the moves on a glacier tomato who told him to buzz off and then gave him a clout.

Basil went after a small red bush dry bean

and suggested they have a roll in the dirt,

but she shunned him for a devil's tongue looseleaf lettuce

who, it turned out, was a much more skillful flirt.

Beau then approached a goldenseal

but she was too upper crust.

Basil propositioned a scarlet runner bean

but she left him in the dust.

Beau hit on a cherry tomato but she

told him she preferred to remain chaste.

Basil struck out with a chickpea who said

long red peppers were more to her taste.

Basil was ready to pack it in but

Beau told him not to fret.

He said, "Don't give up, my friend!

There is hope for us yet!

"Somewhere there must be horehound

or maybe some fast lady cow-peas.

We'll have better luck with them.

They're always eager to please!"

Beau and Basil decided

they had ho reason to hang around,

and so they left their garden

and went in search of more fertile ground. -- Jeff Barnes

Haiku

My foot his pillow, tired gray cat stretches out. Rainy August night. Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Two wooden boxes.
These ashes were once our cats.
Rainy summer night. - Jeff Barnes

Harvest

Green tendrils rise from the ground, wrap themselves around my legs.

Stone Buddhas sit oblivious as watermelons fly like zeppelins strafing the garden.

Their seeds pierce

my flesh

like bullets.

Falling,

I see sunflowers

tower above me.

Their golden-lashed eyes

watch helplessly as my blood permeates the soil, nourishing the next crop. -- Jeff Barnes

Waiting for Paul McCartney (in memory of my sister)

I should stop wearing jeans so much, likewise this flannel shirt. I need to wear more dresses and occasionally a skirt. I must start wearing makeup and occasionally a frilly blouse, just in case Paul McCartney ever shows up at my house.

I must get rid of these glasses

even if my vision is blurred;

these ugly frames make me look

like some kind of bookish nerd.

I’ll get contact lenses

even though they’re a conceit,

just in case I meet Paul McCartney

walking down the street.

I must cut down on ice cream,

French fries and potato chips,

so if Paul McCartney ever comes to town

I’ll no longer have these unsightly, chubby hips.

The news comes on the radio —

Oh no! Do my ears deceive?

This is tragic news that

I simply cannot believe!

THAT BASTARD MARRIED SOME BROAD NAMED LINDA! — Jeff Barnes

Praise the Lord Store

Would you like a cookie cutter in the shape of the Bethlehem star or maybe a Holy Spirit air freshener to hang up in your car?

How about this picture of Jesus

turning water into wine?

We have a canvas print of it

for only $39.99.

Here's another picture of Jesus

emerging from his tomb

and we also have this one

with eyes that follow you around the room.

Here's one that shows him walking

on the sea of Galilee.

If you buy two of them

we'll throw in the third for free.

Do you see the Ten Commandments

carved in those tablets of stone?

They look real but are pillows

made of memory foam.

How about this crown of thorns?

It's actually a wreath for your door.

We'll give you a John 3:16 t-shirt

if you spend $50 or more.

We have earrings and cuff links

in the shape of a Jesus fish

and a picture of the Last Supper

etched on a serving dish.

Maybe you need some mud flaps

for your pickup truck?

We have them with various scripture quotes --

one pair for 30 bucks.

Here's an action figure set

of Daniel in the lion's den.

Do you like this crucifixion nail?

It's really a ball point pen.

You might like this Noah's Ark shaped bowl

to hold gravy or dipping sauce

or maybe a box of toothpicks

made from the wood of the True Cross.

We have the 23rd Psalm

printed on a toilet seat

and temporary stigmata tattoos

for your hands and feet.

Our store is conveniently located,

so feel free to stop in.

But remember we're never open on Sundays

because that would be a sin. -- Jeff Barnes

View from the Sun Room

 

Haiku

By the crumbling house --
washing machine in the yard.
West Virginia spring. - Jeff Barnes

Boss Hoss Silver Special

The only thing I vividly remember praying for

as a child in church 

was that my Hot Wheels

Mustang Boss Hoss Silver Special

(only available by joining the Hot Wheels Fan Club)

would arrive soon.

My mom had sent them a check

a million years ago, it seemed

and I waited

and waited

and waited.

Every day I came home from school

only to find it hadn't arrived.

Mom wrote letter after letter

to the Mattel toy company,

as I said prayer after prayer,

and finally Mom wrote and threatened

to report them to the postmaster for mail fraud.

About a week after that final letter I came home

and there was a package for me.

My Mustang Boss Hoss had finally arrived!

A few days later, a second Mustang Boss Hoss arrived,

and then, a few days after that,

a third one!

Did Mom's threatening letter prod them into action,

or was it the power of prayer that worked for me?

Who got tired of being nagged,

Mattel?

Or God? - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Like glofish, these leaves
shine through the mist, swimming
in the wind-blown rain. - Jeff Barnes

Morgantown

Not even the rows of cherry trees
that line the walkways of the park
or the building murals you can see
as you walk up the streets and down
will ever satisfactorily cover
the stench of this cesspool town. - Jeff Barnes

To Karen

Your name is a short form of Katherine
but it doesn't sound nearly as pretty.
Is that something that nettles you?
Could that be why you're so shitty?

I thought you seemed okay at first,

but every day you seem to worsen.
If you had a name like Elizabeth or Mary

would  that make you a better person?

You're as pleasant as a colonoscopy prep,

toxic as a deep breath of sarin.

Might you be a bit more human

had you a name other than Karen? - Jeff Barnes

Timeless

The silver that weaves through
your wavy black hair
brings to mind the image
of a galaxy being born.

One October night

you wore a long red dress

and revealed yourself

as the Queen of Cups.

We came together late in life

but your gerbera daisies

that September afternoon

were a sign that autumn

would be our springtime.

Like fossils forever

in the memory of stone,

when we are gone

we will echo

through endless rebirths

of the universe. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Early spring morning -- 
my creaking knees keep rhythm
with the singing birds. - Jeff Barnes

Modern Times

In the nearly
seven years
since you and I
have been married,

I never could

show you my past,

only the town

under which it's buried. - Jeff Barnes

Death's Reject (with apologies to Emily Dickinson)

Because Death would not stop for me
I chased him down the road.
I ran after him, waving and shouting
but his carriage never slowed.

I couldn't catch up with him

no matter how fast I ran,

so I went back to my house

to think of another plan.

The next day I waited for him

at an intersection.

I waylaid his carriage and climbed aboard

despite his forceful objections.

"Please take me with you," I said.

"This lonely life must end.

You've taken everyone I ever loved.

I want to join my family and friends!"

"You do not belong here," he said.

"Your time is not yet through."

He pushed me out of his carriage.

"Go away!" he said. "Be off with you!"

He traveled further down the road

and around a curve he turned,

leaving me sitting all alone

like a lover who has been spurned. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Smugly complacent,
he watches from his cat bed
as I dress for work. - Jeff Barnes

Full Circle

What do you suppose our descendants will think
if they find our rusty automobiles,
or pickup trucks with truck nuts
and those preposterous, gigantic wheels?

What will they learn about us

if they happen upon our bones,

or if they find the remnants

of our computers, TVs, and cell phones?

Maybe they'll wonder what life was like

before things got turned around,

when people had lungs instead of gills

and lived on solid ground. - Jeff Barnes

Things My Sister Told Me (with apologies to James Whitcomb Riley)

When I was lad of about five years old,
I remember a story my older sister told:
"On a stormy night you'd better get in bed
and pull all the sheets and blankets over your head.
Dr. Frankenstein is harnessing that electricity
and soon his monster is going to be out roaming free.
He can smash your head in with a single clout.
The Monster's gonna get you if you don't watch out!"

When I was a lad of about five years old,

I remember a story my older sister told:

"You'd better keep some garlic right beside your bed

or you might wake up as one the undead.

You'd better clutch your  crucifix and say many prayers,

because Count Dracula keeps his coffin downstairs.

He'll drink all your blood, you'd better have no doubt.

Count Dracula's gonna get you if you don't watch out!"

When I was a lad of about five years old,

I remember a story my older sister told:

"You'd better come inside while it's still afternoon,

for night will come early and there will be a full moon.

Then in the distance you will hear a chilling howl.

The Wolf Man is going to be out on the prowl.

He'll rip your throat out before you can even shout.

The Wolf Man's gonna get you if you don't watch out!"

When I was a lad of about five years old,

I remember a story my older sister told:

"The Mummy has been dead for three thousand years,

but he's come back to life and now he is here.

When you see him shamble you might start running,

but you won't get away because he won't stop coming.

Stay out of the woods for he will be creeping about.

The Mummy's gonna get you if you don't watch out!" - Jeff Barnes

26 Siblings

Abigail loves to swim in the ocean with her pet shark.
Barriemore paints watercolor pictures in the dark.
Chloe has  daily conversations with her flowers.
Diego yowls like a cat whenever he takes a shower.
Emily papers the walls with pictures of the moon.
Frederick believes he's the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
Griselda deconstructs the poetry of John Donne.
Hammurabi dances at funerals because he thinks it's fun.
Isabella likes to take her pet armadillo to see Shakespeare plays.
Jedediah eats 97  cream-filled donuts every day.
Katrina likes to go for walks at the bottom of the lake.
Leopold never knows if he is sleeping or awake.
Magdalena tries to teach her penguin how to fly.
Nicodemus and his moose love to eat seaweed pie.
Ophelia wants to travel to the depths of outer space.
Percival likes to smear avocados on his face.
Quintina plays a harpsichord while singing Martian ballads.
Reinhardt puts veggies in his top hat and mixes up a salad.
Seraphina married a sasquatch and they honeymooned in New York.
Tiberius dances in the river with a marabou stork.
Ulrika wears black leotards and prays for the world to end.
Vincenzo has a paramecium that he considers his best friend.
Wilhelmina sings in harmony with the trumpeting of a swan.
Xenophon waits for extraterrestrials to land on his front lawn.
Yolanda claims her pet hamster is a Byzantine Grand Duke.
Zebulon wonders why his siblings are all a bunch of kooks. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Grandpa's apple tree
yielded apples as bitter
as Grandpa himself. - Jeff Barnes

What is It?

It doesn't walk on two legs,
nor does it walk on four.
It can enter any building
without opening the door.
It doesn't have two eyes,
but rather thirty-nine.
What in the world is that thing?
Your guess is as good as mine.

Its skin is robin's egg blue

and its hair is neon green.

It seems rather friendly

and not the least bit mean.

It doesn't crawl like a snake.

or hop like a kangaroo.

What kind of creature is that thing?

I don't know.  Do you?

It might be lighter than air

because it floats just like a balloon,

and when the day is done

it glows as brightly as the moon.

Sometimes it hovers in place,

other times it moves to and fro.

What could that thing be?

Doesn't anybody know?

It has three noses on its face

each as red as a pomegranate.

I've never seen it around here before.

Could it be from another planet?

It doesn't have a voice to speak,

but it buzzes just like a bee.

Can we find out what that thing is

or will it forever be a mystery? - Jeff Barnes

Saint Germaine

My grandmother was a pious woman
who never missed Sunday Mass.
All the ladies who played Bingo with her
thought she had grace and class.

Every night she'd pray her rosary

while lying in her bed.

This guaranteed she'd be in Heaven

should the morning find her dead.

She complained about the Irish and Italians

in her church's congregation,

but said she was grateful, at least,

that everyone was Caucasian. 

When she died I'm sure she believed

she was headed in an upward direction

to spend eternity with blue-eyed Jesus

in Heaven's whites only section. - Jeff Barnes

How Billy Bob Lost His Religion

Billy Bob drives his pickup truck
on the bumpy road to town.
The truck nuts on his trailer hitch
are bouncing up and down.

He's got an AR-15 sticker on his back window

and a Trump flag mounted on the bed.

He's got Kid Rock playing on the stereo

and a red MAGA cap on his head.

The sun was shining brightly.

The day was pleasant and warm,

but seemingly out of nowhere

came a violent thunderstorm.

After the storm cleared Billy Bob looked up

and said, "Is this some kind of joke?"

He saw a rainbow in the sky and said,

"I never thought that God was woke!" - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Looking with contempt
at humans in passing cars --
goose on the roadside. - Jeff Barnes

A Villanelle Wishes Itself into Existence

I want to be a villanelle.
It's the poem I want to be.
It's a form that suits me well.

Other verse forms can go to Hell.

I won't be a sonnet, haiku, or elegy.

I want to be a villanelle.

Other forms just will not gel.

I think that you will agree.

It's a form that suits me well.

I wish it with every fiber, every cell.

Only one thing will bring me glee.

I want to be a villanelle.

That's my desire in a nutshell.

The lines of each stanza shall number three.

It's a form that suits me well.

I have fallen under the spell

of this form of poetry.

I want to be a villanelle.

It's a form that suits me well. - Jeff Barnes

The Good Old Days

 After he had given the old man his COVID vaccine, the pharmacist said, "Please stay in the store for around fifteen minutes."

"Why?" the old man asked.

"Just a precaution.  Let us know if you start to feel weird."

"I'm old," the man said. "I always feel weird."

"How so?" asked the pharmacist.  

"You'll find out someday, when you wake up and feel some pain you don't understand.  And then it will happen more and more often.  Always a new pain.  And when you see a doctor he'll tell you you're doing just fine for someone your age.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard that."

"That doesn't sound good."

"And then there's the brain fog.  I usually don't know what day it is until I've had my second cup of coffee.  Hell, sometimes I have to think to remember what month it is."

"Damn!"

"Damn is right!  I can't even wear Chuck Taylor sneakers anymore because my feet are so bad.  Not enough support."

"You wore Chuck Taylor sneakers?"

"Of course I did!  Those things have been around since before I was born, if you can imagine that.  I was young once, too."

"Yes, of course."

"I liked some of the same things you like."

"Oh?" The pharmacist raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, and I don't just mean sex, if that's what you're thinking."

"No, that's not..."

"But that was on the list.  You young people these days are spoiled with all this internet porn.  When I was young we used to have to rely on magazines, and since most of us were too young, that made it more difficult."

"Uh- huh..."

"I was lucky.  My dad's Uncle Frank was something of a perv.  He had tons of those magazines.  Sometimes, on the sly, he would give me some of his older ones.  Oh sure, sometimes some of the pages were stuck together, but I didn't care.  I was happy to have them."

"I see."

"Do you?  I see you're wearing a Star Wars tie."

"Yes."

"How many Star Wars movies have there been?  A lot.  And look at all those Star Wars TV series.  Good God, how can anyone keep track of them?  I saw the first movie when it came out in 1977.  We didn't have all this stuff.  We had that movie, and some comics books and paperbacks, and the 'Star Wars Holiday Special' a year later, and that's all we had until 1980.  And we were happy to have it!"

"Yes, I guess you must have been."

"Damn right!  And we didn't have all this cable and satellite, and streaming TV!  We had an old TV with rabbit ears and sometimes the picture would fade in and out."

"Oh, sorry."

"Don't be sorry!  We were happy to have it!"

"I see."

"'And Star Trek'!  Look at all this Star Trek stuff you young people have now!  When I was young, we had one Star Trek show and then we had reruns.  For years and years, we had reruns on our old rabbit-eared TV. I'd watch it every day right after the reruns of 'Batman' and 'Get Smart.'  That's all we had.  And we were happy to have it!"

"I guess you would have been."

"And comic books.  We didn't have comic book stores back then.  We sometimes had to ride our bikes from one end of town to the other, hoping to find a newsstand or drugstore that had the latest issue of 'The Amazing Spider-Man' or 'The Incredible Hulk'!  Comics were cheap in those days, too, because they were printed on cheap, pulpy paper.  But we were happy to have it."

"Was there anything you weren't happy to have?"

'Well, yeah. When we got in trouble at school, we usually got paddled, and if our parents caught wind of it, we'd get paddled again when we got home.  Nobody was happy to have that."

"No," said the pharmacist, "I guess they wouldn't be."

"Still, it's better than what kids have now," said the old man.

"What's that?"

"School shootings."

"Yes, I have to agree with you on that," said the pharmacist.

"Well," said the old man, "I think I've been here fifteen minutes, so I'll be on my way."

"Okay, take care," said the pharmacist.

"Yup." And with that, the old man left. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Early spring morning --
mist rises from the river
foggy as my mind. - Jeff Barnes

Feline Love Poem

 Nothing is as comforting to me
as the feel of your soft, fluffy fur
or the relaxing sounds you make
when you tenderly purr.

I love it when we meet out back

in the garden of roses.

First we come face to face,

then ever so gently we touch noses.

Of all the sounds in the world

nothing to me is as sweet

as the sexy yowls you let out

whenever you go into heat.

You outshine all others. 

There is no one cuter.

I curse the day these humans

decided to have me neutered. - Jeff Barnes

Marcellus, Clyde, and Saturn: An Impossible Adventure

The sun came up this morning
like a Turkish cat's orange eye.
Marcellus Popsocket sat up in bed
and noticed his mouth was bone dry.

He brewed a pot of coffee

and shared it with his camel, Clyde.

They drank six cups each

and then they walked outside.

They looked up and saw the planet Saturn

hovering in the sky,

so Marcellus hopped on Clyde's back

and they began to fly,

for Clyde was the only camel in the world

who had a pair of wings.

They zoomed through the air and very soon

they landed on Saturn's rings.

Marcellus asked Saturn

why he was flying so low.

"I fell out of my orbit," Saturn said.

"How that happened I don't know.

But I have to get back up there!

Do you think there is a way?"

"Clyde and I will help you," Marcellus said.

"We're bored and need something to do today."

Clyde kept many useful things

in his saddle pack.

Marcellus removed a long rope and said,

"I think we can take you back."

He looped the rope around Saturn's rings

and made sure to tie it tight.

Then Clyde spread his magnificent wings

and the three of them took flight.

They got Saturn back into his orbit

though they had to travel a great distance.

"Oh thank you both so much!" Saturn said.

Clyde said, "I'm glad we could be of assistance."

Marcellus and Clyde returned to Earth

just as night was falling.

They had done a good days work,

and now their beds were calling.

Marcellus fluffed his pillow

and lay back with a sigh,

just as the moon was rising

like a black cat's yellow eye. - Jeff Barnes