Parts

Frankenstein, when you put me together
you surely must have been drinking,
otherwise I simply cannot imagine
what  in the world  you must have been thinking.

You gave me this cadaverous face

and a big, flat, ugly head.

Couldn't you have given me the face

of  Rudolph Valentino instead?

Look at these hands you sewed on!

Your work was careless and botchy.

Why could you not have given me

the hands of Liberace?

I hate these feet you gave me,

so big, clunky, and smelly.

Why, oh why didn't you give me

the graceful feet of Gene Kelly?

This voice I have, alas,

is as unlovely as my body.

How I wish you had given me

the larynx of Pavarotti.

The brain you put in my head

is impulsive and downright stupid.

You should have given me the brain

of Socrates or Einstein or Euclid.

People run screaming when they see me

and I feel that you, my creator, betrayed me,

for you were so driven, hasty, and careless

that you did a slipshod job when you made me. - Jeff Barnes

To My Neighbor

You'd better pray
to the gun-toting
white Jesus you  worship
that I never gain
magical powers,

for I would use them 

on your pickup truck,

turning it from deep blue

to hot pink

and every time you 

revved the engine

(to compensate for you know what)

your tailpipes would blast

Taylor Swift songs,

and the misogynistic,

pro-gun, and Trump

stickers you have plastered 

all over

would suddenly

transform and read

WOKE AF! - Jeff Barnes

Sijo

Standing more than twice my height
and just as long as our house,
your fifty-toothed mouth eager to rip 
the meat off your prey, 
you inspire pure horror,
though dead these sixty-five million years. - Jeff Barnes

Black Lagoon Sonnet

Nothing makes me as happy as the nights
when I can look up at the full moon.
I love to see its rippling, dancing light
on the surface of the Black Lagoon.

It makes me think of the lady who swam with me

in what seemed an underwater ballet.

Her movements were smooth,  graceful, and free,

but the men she was with tried to take me away.

They thought they had killed me but here I remain.

I will never leave my only home.

My feelings for her all were in vain

and now I only want to be left alone.

I feel the caress of water and hear the toucans' songs

here in the only place I will ever belong. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

This April backdrop:
flowers, robins, trees in bloom --
political signs. - Jeff Barnes

Wishes

I wish I had hair like David Lynch
but not like Kim Jon Un.
I wish I could have a shootout at noon
but only with a water gun.

I wish I could paint like Vincent Van Gogh

but I want to keep both my ears.

I wish I could write as well as John Keats

but live a lot more years.

I wish I could run as fast as a cheetah

across the Serengeti

and lose about eighty-five pounds

on a diet of pizza and spaghetti.

I wish I had the strength of Superman

and could squeeze diamonds out of coal.

I wish I were as good looking as Narcissus

without being such an asshole.

There are so many things I wish for

to make my life more sweet,

but if all my wishes were horses

there'd be nothing but shit on the streets. - Jeff Barnes

Absent Friend

Denial, the old joke says,
is not a river in Egypt,
but I find myself drowning in it
all the same.

You would  have appreciated that,

fond of wordplay as you were.

I read your old e-mails

when I wish I could

talk to you.

I drink tea and listen

to the steady blowing

of the vent in this office,

a background noise

to accompany my drift

into the past,

to the time I made you laugh,

almost causing the Coke

you were drinking

to come out your nose

and how you did the same to me

a few minutes later

and grinned that gotcha back

grin at me.

The day after you died

I got a piece of junk mail 

offering me a deal

on my final expenses,

and on the anniversary

of your passing, I 

got the same offer in the mail

and I believed you were

messing with me from the other side,

at least that is what I

chose to believe because

I deny any notion that

I will never see you again.

I deny the idea that you

are gone forever,

that you are not still around

shaking loose these memories

from the vault of my sorrow

to help me write this poem to you. - Jeff Barnes

Slothman

Superman came from the planet Krypton.
He can fly to Jupiter and  be back before you knew he was gone.
Nobody on Earth can equal his might.
Nothing can hurt him except kryptonite.
His flights through space have been farther than NASA's.
He can disguise himself with a simple pair of glasses.
He can cause a hurricane with a single breath
and once he even managed to come back from death.
He can clear the tallest building in a single leap
and do all this while Slothman is still fast asleep.

Wonder Woman honed her skills early in her youth.

She finds out what she wants by using her lasso of truth.

She has all powerful bracelets of submission.

You can't defeat her. That would be a futile mission.

You can't equal her brains or her brawn.

She is the greatest of all the Amazons.

She proves that females are not the weaker gender.

See her fly though the air in all her splendor,

while Slothman, in his tree, has no intention of alighting.

He is content to let others do the fighting.

Batman is dark, moody and introspective.

He is truly the world's greatest detective.

He prowls the city from night until morning.

He lurks in shadows and strikes without warning.

While we are sleeping safely in our sheets

he is patrolling Gotham City's streets.

He'll be out there until daylight,

for, as he likes to remind us, he is the night.

He will fight supervillains as well as lowly thieves,

while Slothman is content to loaf and munch on leaves.

Then one day came a great aberration.

Something destroyed the Earth, every continent and nation

and almost everything else in creation.

There was destruction in every location.

The planet was consumed in a great conflagration

as though everyone suffered eternal damnation.

What led to this dreadful situation?

There is one clue as to its causation:

The superheroes all went on vacation

and left Slothman in charge of the Justice League's space station. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Streams of silver black
like a moonlit waterfall
cascade down your back. - Jeff Barnes

Flamingo

The pipe under our sink
would resemble your neck, I think,
if only it were pink.

Among your many talents
is your ability to balance
in a one-legged stance
making you look graceful
as though in a dance.

You are quite fleet

thanks to your webbed feet,

when you run on the water

without the slightest totter.

You're truly a water trotter!

You and your mate

are never apart.

You flex your necks

into the shape of a heart

as you stand beak to beak

in Thane Creek. - Jeff Barnes

Our Only Vice (with apologies to Wallace Stevens)

Don't call the roller of big cigars.
We gave up smoking years ago.
Never mind the concupiscent curds.
We just want the soft serve to flow.
Let the wenches wear what they want.
It's nobody's business anyway.
Don't bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Just bring us each a butterscotch sundae.
Then you will see how our eyes will gleam.
Our only vice is eating ice cream.

I take from the dresser of deal

whatever t-shirt suits my whim.

I always buy them in 3X size,

for it's been ages since I was slim.

We get into our softest jeans

and put comfy sneakers on our feet.

We start up the car on this sunny day

and go out to get ourselves a treat.

We wear loose clothing so as not to rip our seams.

Our only vice is eating ice cream. - Jeff Barnes

Legacy

I inherited my father's crooked teeth
and ears that look like jug handles.
I also got my mother's gnarly feet.
It's why you never see me wearing sandals.

Mom also left me her arthritic knees.

I don't walk so much as I limp.

Both parents left me their FTO genes.

I struggle not to resemble the Goodyear blimp.

Some say they are haunted by family ghosts.

I shake my head and scoff at such fools.

The thing that troubles me the most

is being haunted by my own gene pool. - Jeff Barnes

Toon

I'd like to be a cartoon character,
existing as flickers on a screen.
I could be annihilated one moment
and be back in the very next scene.

I'd suffer nothing more than a sooty face

after being blown up by dynamite,

or be intact and healthy as ever

after falling from a precipitous height.

If a giant anvil fell from the sky

and crushed me into the ground

my body would resemble an accordion,

and make funny music as I walked around.

Nothing could end me forever.

No matter what, I would be restored,

for such a thing would be predestined 

in the next frame of the storyboard. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Robin's song drowned out
by the roaring pickup truck.
Redneck neighborhood. - Jeff Barnes

Hours

I measure time by the shadows
that flicker on the walls of this room.
The hours feel like a constant backflow.
The trees outside the window are slow to bloom.

Cobwebs and dust motes are captured in sunlight,

little worlds that hang suspended in air.

I don't bother to turn on the light

or even to rise from this chair.

The red light on the radio tower flashes

on top of the hill in the west.

Our cat came home as a box of ashes.

My heart beats weakly in my chest.

My thoughts feel like a constant logjam.

The afternoon is slipping away at last.

Sometimes I forget how old I am

and how much time has passed.  - Jeff Barnes

Stomach Bug Aftermath

Last night I had no desire to sup.
I had some coffee in a tiny cup.
That and 2 pieces of toast completely filled me up.

Perhaps it was too much eating and drinking?

Could it be that my stomach is shrinking?

Or is that merely wishful thinking? - Jeff Barnes

The Wind

Sometimes I think the wind is the ghost of someone I used to be.
Sometimes I think it wants to be a river heading out to sea.
Sometimes I think the wind is a soul that's lost its way.
Sometimes I think it's a rowdy child who only wants to play.
Sometimes I think the wind is a widower wandering the world alone.
Sometimes I think it's looking for a home it has never known.
Sometimes I think the wind is a bodiless mind in flight.
Sometimes I think it's the restless dreams of those who lie awake at night.
Sometimes I think the wind sings the only worthwhile song.
Sometimes I think it beckons me to follow it to the only place I belong. - Jeff Barnes

The Cheese Poem

 Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. - G.K. Chesterton

I would like some cheese.

I beg you please,

don't be a tease.

Bring on the cheese

and I'll think you are the bee's knees

and give you an affectionate squeeze.

It can be blue cheese or Swiss.

They won't go amiss.

Or maybe Camembert or Brie.

Either one would suit me

and in fact bring me glee.

A few slices of Gouda

would get me stoked,

especially if it's smoked.

A bit of Mozzarella

would make me a happy fella.

As would some cheddar

be it white or yella.

 

A slab of Muenster

would make me as happy as a funster

or maybe even a punster.

I really dig parmesan.

It is totally gone,

or some Asiago, Daddy-o.

I'll dine out on the patio.

I'd enjoy some Colby

if it isn't moldy.

Bring me some Edam,  oh please, Madame!

That would make me happy as a clam!

I think some Havarti

would be nice and hearty.

Bring me some and you'll be

the life of the party.

I don't ask for lobster or steak

or even  cookies or cake,

nor even a bowl of corn flakes.

All I ask of you, please,

is to bring me some cheese! - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Emerging, at last, as if from another world. Virus kicked my ass. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

These early spring rains
are no longer comforting.
Aging skeleton.  - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Still no appetite
but maybe I'll lose some weight.
Stomach bug, day two. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Nasty stomach bug --
wife and cat stay by my side.
Blankets feel like love. - Jeff Barnes

Ill Met

She was the sunshine of your life,
that is, if you had been a vampire.
She said she never wanted to let you go
and  she dug into you like barbed wire.

She was the apple of your eye

with a nasty little worm in it.

She crammed an eternity of misery

into each and every minute.

You said that she had you at hello.

You should have run the other way.

Your answer was always, "Well, love hurts."

You always fell back on that cliche.

You said her words were like honey to you,

but it was like heroin pouring from her lips.

You said  that she blinded you with love.

You might as well have stared into an eclipse.

I wish I could undo what's been done.

I wish those years had all been a bad dream.

But now you are gone forever.

like debris floating away downstream. - Jeff Barnes

Letter from Hell

The last I remember,
it was a gray winter Sunday.

I look outside 

my dirty window

at the empty branches

of a dead tree.

The afternoon is late

but never ending.

I walk down the empty street

in the shadows of buildings

that resemble broken,

decaying teeth.

Night will never fall

and no matter how long

I wander these sidewalks

to tire myself out,

I know that I will never

sleep again.

Wish you were here. - Jeff Barnes

When the Chinamen Come

My grandfather, the old bastard,
was always obsessed with the idea
that China would someday
take over the world.

I don't know how many times

we heard him say,

"The Chinamen gonna come."

Whenever my sister or I

would complain about anything

his response was the same.

"You think it's bad now, just wait

till the Chinamen come."

Anytime we didn't like 

a certain food he'd say,

"Just wait. You will learn to eat it

when the Chinamen come."

He was such a tightwad that

if he were alive today,

he would do most of his shopping

at dollar stores for things

made in Chinese sweat shops,

and I can imagine him smiling smugly

if Chinese soldiers surrounded

my sister and me as

we were forced to eat

liver, zucchini, and beets

at gunpoint. - Jeff Barnes

Three Rocks

At age ten he loved
to go to the banks
of the creek in the woods
and look for rocks.
He would bring home
the most interesting ones,
rinse them off
and display them on his
bedroom shelves.
His parents were certain
that he was an aspiring geologist.

At age sixteen

he only grudgingly went to school

but his real passion

was his guitar.

He would play along

with his records,

learning every song he could,

and knew that someday

he would be a rock star.

At age seventy-two

he thinks back to the days

of collecting rocks

and wanting to be a rock star

as he rocks

and rocks

and rocks
his life away

in his rocking chair. - Jeff Barnes

The Queen of Cups

The Queen of Cups is happy tonight.
Her wavy silver hair reflects
the blue dusk and sliver
of moon

and swirls 
like a vortex of moving sky
as she dances
to the songs of 
a northern mockingbird.

Her eyes reflect the stars,

her laughter a counterpoint

to the calls of

the spring peepers

and when she lies down

in the grass 

her sleeping breath harmonizes

with the sound

of the stream that runs

just beyond the trees. - Jeff Barnes

Creation Myth #8,693,212

The sun didn't come up this morning,
but a giant fried egg rose in the sky.
A purple gorilla waved at me
as he flew by on an atomic pie.

Blue jays were swimming in the river.

A blue whale went out for a walk.

A giraffe flew by in a helicopter,

in hot pursuit of the Jabberwock.

Three platypuses played poker in my living room

and asked if they could deal me in.

"No thanks," I said. "I just bought a new unicycle

and I'd like to  take it for a spin."

As I rode my unicycle around the block

a man with a bow and arrow came by.

He looked up, took aim, and shot

an arrow at the egg in the sky.

This archer's aim was quite flawless.

The nucleus of the giant egg broke.

And that's how the world as we knew it

became an endless sea of yolk. - Jeff Barnes

In the Beginning

After the used bookstore closed
and everyone with us had fled
to wherever they were going
we stood alone in the parking lot
and decided to have our first dessert
together, pumpkin ice cream
served up in waffle cones.

We stayed until the ice cream joint

closed and even afterwards

we lingered in the parking lot

on that October night.

The blue outfit, complete with blue boots,

you wore to the movie the following week

brought to mind the lyrics from a Rolling Stones song

about seeing the sky in front of you.

Shortly before Halloween we went to a party

and met a self-styled psychic who said our love

was forbidden and that you would move

to California and marry a doctor and that I

would end up married to a blonde woman

I would meet at work.

Eleven years later, you and I

still look back on that day

and burst out laughing at that dumb bitch. - Jeff Barnes

Balthazar Bumbershoot

Balthazar Bumbershoot had a mouth on each hand
and a shiny gold bugle where a mouth should be.
Most people, as you know,  have two legs
but Balthazar Bumbershoot had three.

He had two eyes under his eyebrows

and two more on either side of his nose.

He had purple fingernails on his green fingers

and green toenails on his purple toes.

He had a horn much like a unicorn

sticking out of his forehead.

The tip of it had a little light

that  at night glowed a bright shade of red.

One day wings sprouted from his ears

and he flew away like a big bird.

He said he couldn't stay here anymore

because this world was just too absurd. - Jeff Barnes