Halfway

The crows have dominion
over this crepuscular day.
The sun behind the clouds
can't overpower the gray.

Bare branches in the window 

wave outside the room.

It seems that this old tree

has forever ceased to bloom.

It's the night of the new moon.

Light a candle for Selene,

for the dusk will bring Walpurgis Night.

We're halfway to Halloween. - Jeff Barnes

Firsts

When I was a baby

my grandmother gave me

a plush turtle

wearing an orange hat.

My first gift.

I slept with him,

watched TV with him.

We were never apart.

My first best friend.

When I got sick

and threw up on him,

he had to be

thrown away.

Mom couldn't save him.

But she detached his 

undamaged hat

and I kept it

for years afterward.

My first grief. - Jeff Barnes 

Ode to a Coffee Mug

Oh, you revered vessel of renewal,
more precious to me than any jewel,
I reached into the cabinet and chose you
and now my hands gently enclose you,
warming me on this cold day's dawning,
though I be bleary and still yawning.
I raise you to my eager lips
and start out with gentle sips,
but soon I will take a big swallow
and then another swallow will follow
until all your contents are gone,
but you won't be empty for too long.
You will once again be filled
and not a drop will be spilled.
I'll lift you to my lips and then
will empty you once again.
Can I do it three times, or maybe four?
Because you know I always want more.
I love how you stimulate me!
Only you can satiate me! - Jeff Barnes

Tree Talk

Trees have a vast underground network
through which they can talk among themselves,
but what do you suppose they talk about?
"Hey, I heard  that Albert is now a set of shelves."

"I felt a tickly sensation

of something climbing up my trunk.

I thought at first it was a squirrel,

but it turned out to be a pesky little chipmunk."

"Did you hear about poor old Ernie?

He was taken way too soon.

Parts of him are in several kitchens,

for he got turned into wooden spoons."

"I must admit I have a crush on Donna.

She's the prettiest tree I've ever seen.

I just adore her perfectly shaped branches

and her leaves are strikingly full and green."

"Yes, Donna is beautiful, I know,

but I am madly in love with Lucy.

She is breathtakingly tall and majestic

and her red apples look delicious and juicy."

"Edward has become quite a show-off

now that his wisteria is in full bloom."

"Poor Matthew is now a coffee table

standing in somebody's living room."

"The neighborhood kids are always climbing me.

I really detest those little brats!

Still, it could be worse. I could be Thomas.

I heard he got turned into baseball bats."

"Joyce Kilmer said he'd never seen a poem as lovely as a tree.

He is the very definition of a hypocrite!

They keep cutting us down to make paper for his poem.

Have you ever heard a bigger crock of shit?"

If you feel a vibration under your feet

and hear a mysterious, murmuring sound,

it might be trees talking to each other.

You can listen if you put an ear to the ground. - Jeff Barnes

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Four lanes of traffic.
Modern city? Well, mostly.
Horseshit in the street. - Jeff Barnes

Twila

Twenty years of bar fights
have made her face look rough.
She has a house full of children
and a mouth full of snuff. 

Three packs of cigarettes a day
have given her a gravelly voice.
Spandex leggings and camouflage jackets
are her couture of choice.

 She's only thirty-six years old
and already is a great-granny.
She has tattoos of Jesus and Trump,
one on each cheek of her fanny. 

They are her two saviors,
the objects of her adoration.
She's counting on one to save her soul
and the other to save her nation. - Jeff Barnes

Micky

Still a believer,
keeping the music alive --
last Monkee standing. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Leafless in mid-spring,
these old trees, much like me, are
slow at waking up. - Jeff Barnes

Ned the Dragon and Fred

I woke up this morning
with a feeling of dread
when I saw a dragon
at the foot of my bed.
His eyes were yellow
and his scales were red.
I was really scared until he said,
"Good morning, Fred!
My name is Ned!
Please excuse me for appearing
at the foot of your bed.
I had to give up the life I led
in a faraway hamlet," he said.
"They hated me there,
and so I fled."

"That's terrible!" I said.

"I know," said Ned.

"I had to find a place where

I'd be welcome instead."

"I admit you gave me a scare," I said,

"when I saw you at the foot of my bed.

And how did you know my name was Fred?"

"It  was what I read 

on your mailbox," he said.

"Fred Hempstead,

a name that rhymes with my name, Ned.

And your house, like my scales,

is a bright shade of red.

I took that as a good sign," said Ned.

"I have lots of room," I said.

"You seem very polite and well bred.

You're taller than I am

but only by a head.

I think you'd fit nicely in the spare bed."

"That sounds wonderful!" he said.

And now I share my homestead

with my scaly red 

well-mannered friend, Ned. - Jeff Barnes

Elegy

 It was a poor way to say goodbye
and an even worse attempt to
mend a friendship almost 
forty years later, yet
what else could I do
but leave a note
and flower
on your
grave? - Jeff Barnes

The Death of Blue

The M&Ms, Orange, Green, Yellow, and Brown,
all were gathered and standing around
the hole they had just dug in the ground.

Everyone had brought colorful flowers.

The sky was gloomy and the mood was dour

on the day that Blue was devoured.

Green, standing at Yellow's side,

 said, her lips quivering as she cried,

 "This truly is the day the music died."

Orange said, "I can't believe he's really dead."

"There's nothing left of him to bury,"  said Red.

And so they buried his saxophone instead. - Jeff Barnes

Martha

 Martha wore roller skates
while doing a ballet dance
and poured hot sauce on her escargot
at a  posh restaurant in France.

All eyes were on her

when she went around the block,

bouncing on a pogo stick

wearing nothing but her socks.

She embarrassed her family

and made the minister nervous

when she danced the polka

at her grandpa's funeral service.

That is Martha's curse in life.

She must be an attention whore.

Nothing fills her with so much dread

as the thought of being ignored. - Jeff Barnes

Five Deaths

 I

Bitter in old age,

he foresaw nothing better.

He just wanted out.

II

Nightly rosary --

her ticket into Heaven?

I wouldn't be sure.

III

Ever since she passed,

I sense her spirit is here

when crows lurk about.

IV 

His was a half life

and had been for many years.

His death, no great loss.

V

Her passing was slow.

She faded into her sheets

and then she was gone. - Jeff Barnes

Dog

Wide as she was long,
she would wag her tailless butt --
walking ottoman. - Jeff Barnes

Basil Bumgardner

One morning when Basil Bumgardner got out of bed
he found that tulips were growing out of his head,
but what was even more weird
was that violets had replaced his beard.
There were two red roses where his ears had been
and fresh green ivy crept up his shins.
He had tree branches for arms and a carnation for a nose.
Gladiolas had replaced his fingers and toes.
He wondered if perhaps he'd gone crazy
when he saw that his eyes had turned into daisies.
"I don't know how it happened," he said to his mate,
"but I seem to be in a vegetative state."
"I married you for better or for worse," said his spouse,
so they went to live happily ever after in a greenhouse. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Face like a death mask,

he needs only this moment.

Our Zen master cat. - Jeff Barnes

My First Day

The only color to be seen that day
was the deep gray of the clouds.
The air was drenched with rain,
the thunder, fiery and loud. 
The wind sounded almost like
a contrabass French horn.
That's what it was like
on the day that I was born.

Grandma took my sister

out to trick or treat.

Her paper sack soaked right though

and her candy dropped on the street.

She ate it all anyway

and later got sick and hurled.

That's the kind of day it was

when I came into the world.

It was a Halloween so dark and rainy

that it seemed like a cliche.

Witches flew high above the trees

as their branches began to sway.

The leaves all swirled about

like spirits on a spree.

Everyone said it was gloomy and dreadful

the day that I came to be. - Jeff Barnes

Our Castle

Tomorrow morning we'll wake up
at whatever time we wish.
We won't have to go to work
because we'll be filthy rich.

When we leave the bedroom we'll find

that we now live in a 100-room castle,

with robot servants to do the work,

so cleaning up won't be a hassle.

It will be on top of a hill

just like an eagle's aerie.

We'll have a beautiful sculpture garden

as well as a massive library.

There will be suits of armor

polished and on display, 

and also a forbidding moat

to keep Jehovah's Witnesses away.

We'll have stained glass windows

and gargoyles -- can't forget about them,

because really, what would be the purpose

of having a castle without them?

Let's be off to bed now

and close our sleepy eyes.

All of this will come to pass

tomorrow when we rise. - Jeff Barnes

Grand Poobah

He swaggers into every place he goes
as if he owns the joint.
The hat he wears looks like a pizza
balanced on a  fountain pen's point.

He fancies himself a man among men,

intellectual, strong and handsome,

but the illusion fades rather quickly

whenever he throws a tantrum,

and then his disposition,

which he had tried to depict as sunny,

makes him resemble Yosemite Sam

after being outwitted by Bugs Bunny.

He tries to project the image

of a dignitary or a rock star,

but he's like a pair of truck nuts

on the tailpipe of a Smart Car. - Jeff Barnes

King Kong vs. Godzilla

Why fight each other?
Humans have caused our problems.
They're the real monsters. - Jeff Barnes

Haiku

Two dewdrops, we flow
until we merge into one.
We evaporate. - Jeff Barnes

Morning Nonet

 April. Saturday morning breakfast.
Sun shines on mostly leafless trees
and through our kitchen windows.
Eight days until Easter.
Your eyes widen as
the light gets dim,
and you say,
"Is that
snow?" - Jeff Barnes

Wally Cox

Some folks only measure their worth
by their bank accounts' size.
They want mansions, yachts, and limos.
They have dollar signs in their eyes.
They dream of having more gold
than is stored at Fort Knox.
But what I am striving for
is to be Wally Cox.

Some folks want to be rock stars

and have groupies by the score.

They want to sell a million albums

and then a million more.

They want to be rich and famous

and live high on the hog.

The most excitement I want from life

is to be the voice of Underdog.

My father wanted me to be an athlete,

but I thought that was absurd.

I don't belong on the playing field.

I'm just a bookish nerd.

I don't want to be in a locker room,

hanging out with jocks.

That was never my goal in life.

I just want to be Wally Cox. - Jeff Barnes

Deep Thoughts

To the world you are one person
but to one person, you could be the world,
especially if that person is your stalker.

Early to bed and early to rise

might make you healthy, wealthy,  and wise,

but what if you are a sleepwalker?

Good things come to those who wait,

but there just might be something

awful out there that awaits you.

Everything might happen for a reason

but have you wondered if that reason

is that the universe simply hates you?

A Rolling Stone may gather no moss

but then again,

neither will a Beatle.

A stitch in time may save nine,

but what are you going to do

if you don't have a needle?

Blood may be

thicker than water,

but it's not as thick as molasses.

Beauty may be 

in the eye of the beholder

unless, of course, he has forgotten his glasses.

It's wise to keep your enemies 

closer than your friends,

but first you have to know 'em.

All good things must come to an end

and so must the bad ones

like, for example, this poem. - Jeff Barnes

April

 A few years ago (see post for January 25th, 2019), I posted a shovel poem, inspired by Charles Simic's poem, "Watermelons."

Here's an explanation of  shovel (or golden shovel) poetry:

The "golden shovel" is a fun poetic form to work with.

Here are the rules for the Golden Shovel:
Take a line (or lines) from a poem you admire.
Use each word in the line (or lines) as an end word in your poem.
Keep the end words in order.
Give credit to the poet who originally wrote the line (or lines).
The new poem does not have to be about the same subject as the poem that offers the end words.
If you pull a line with six words, your poem would be six lines long. If you pull a stanza with 24 words, your poem would be 24 lines long. And so on.

Well, today I have done the opposite, with the same poem, but instead of using the poems words to end each line, I used them to begin each line so that, if you read the first word of each line downwards, you will read the original poem.  First, the original:

Watermelons

by Charles Simic

Green Buddhas

On the fruit stand.

We eat the smile

And spit out the teeth.

And now my poem:

April

Green creeps slowly in. Trees wait patiently as

Buddhas for leaves to sprout

on their branches.
The bark shimmers in the rain, as we await

fruit which still seems a lifetime away. We'll

stand in the warm drizzle that 

we so looked forward to, after endless snow,

eat ice cream at the stand, after

the cold months of waiting,

smile at the parade of children, old folks, bikers

and bankers, lining up for their treats.  The sky may

spit snow now and then, but cold days are on the way

out, at least until Halloween season, when

the pumpkins, with their glowing eyes and grinning

teeth, will light the coming darkness. - Jeff Barnes 

Douglas & Me

I have no brothers or sisters.
I am an only child.
But ever since Douglas arrived
I'm never a lonely child.

My family was on vacation

when I wandered from the campground.

Douglas found me, lost in the woods,

walking aimlessly around.

His feet are 20 inches long

and he is nine feet tall.

You might think that he scared me,

but he didn't, not at all.

His body is covered with fur,

so he never has to get dressed.

Douglas is a sasquatch,

in case you haven't guessed.

He took me back to my parents.

They were glad I was safe and sound.

Dad said it might be a good thing

to always have Douglas around.

So he invited Douglas to live with us.

Douglas said, "That sounds very good.

I am tired of living alone

way out here in the woods."

When Douglas came home with us

he said, "This is very appealing!

Not only do you have a big backyard

but your house has  very high ceilings!"

When Douglas walks through a doorway,

it's the only time he has to bend.

I'm glad to have Douglas with us.

I've never had a better friend.

He walks me to school every day

and then he walks me home.

I'm not afraid of bullies anymore.

Now they all leave me alone. - Jeff Barnes

Today's Poetry Prompt

Get an empty jar
and a butterfly net.
Walk down the busiest street
of the city you live in
and use the net to catch the words
of everyone who passes by
and put the words in the jar.
Seal the jar when it is full.

Go home and bake a cake

(any flavor you wish),

stirring all the words you caught

into the batter.

Eat one piece of the cake every day

until you have eaten it all.

When you next go to sleep

the most important words

will come to you in a dream.

Write those words on a sheet of paper

when you wake up.

Burn the paper

but keep the ashes.

Spread the ashes on top of the grave

of someone who was dear to you in life.

Go home, but come back the next day.

When you come back, a rose bush

will have grown up out of the grave.

Pick one rose and take it home.

Prick your finger with one of its thorns

and let the drops of your blood

drip onto a blank sheet of paper.

Fold the paper and put it

into an envelope.

Address the envelope to yourself,

put a stamp on it,

and drop it into the nearest mail box.

When the envelope is delivered to you,

open it and unfold the paper.

There is your poem. - Jeff Barnes

Dusk

Patches of dirt
and fractured concrete
cover this lot
where grass once grew.

Afternoon grows late

and the red sunset sky

dissolves by degrees

into icy blue.

The old man

looks out the window

and thinks about a past

that he never knew. - Jeff Barnes

The Vermicious Little Man

He liked to give the impression that he was multiscious
though this was in fact fictitious.
He was actually quite unambitious
and not a little meretricious
and often was pernicious,
sometimes even vicious,
malicious, and flagitious,
so I advise you to be judicious
and when someone claims to be multiscious,
be more than a little suspicious. - Jeff Barnes

Replacements

 He planted seeds on top of his head
after  his hair fell out
and hoped that with enough sun and water
orange tulips would begin to sprout.

When one day his eyes absconded

he put two marbles in their sockets

and made sure that he always had spares

which he carried around in his pockets.

He put jug handles on the sides of his head

after his ears went missing

and used asparagus to replace his departed lips

though it wasn't much good for kissing.

He stuck a big dill pickle on his face

after his nose ran away

but when his tongue disappeared he didn't replace it

for he had nothing he wanted to say. - Jeff Barnes