Last night I had a dream that I was watching TV and really had to go to the bathroom. A commercial came on, so I tried to rush to the bathroom so I would get back before the show started again. I was almost to the bathroom when Mike Nesmith of the Monkees rushed in and got there before me, and he turned around and gave me a very smug look. Then I woke up and really did have to go to the bathroom.
Monday, September 16, 2024
Sunday, August 18, 2024
Wednesday, July 24, 2024
Lyndon's Johnson
I should be more of a ladies' man than JFK!" - Jeff Barnes
Thursday, July 18, 2024
Thursday, May 16, 2024
Thursday, May 2, 2024
Tuesday, April 30, 2024
Parts
Frankenstein, when you put me together
you surely must have been drinking,
otherwise I simply cannot imagine
what in the world you must have been thinking.
Monday, April 29, 2024
To My Neighbor
You'd better pray
to the gun-toting
white Jesus you worship
that I never gain
magical powers,
Sunday, April 28, 2024
Sijo
Standing more than twice my height
and just as long as our house,
your fifty-toothed mouth eager to rip
the meat off your prey,
you inspire pure horror,
though dead these sixty-five million years. - Jeff Barnes
Saturday, April 27, 2024
Black Lagoon Sonnet
Nothing makes me as happy as the nights
when I can look up at the full moon.
I love to see its rippling, dancing light
on the surface of the Black Lagoon.
Friday, April 26, 2024
Thursday, April 25, 2024
Wishes
I wish I had hair like David Lynch
but not like Kim Jon Un.
I wish I could have a shootout at noon
but only with a water gun.
Wednesday, April 24, 2024
Absent Friend
Denial, the old joke says,
is not a river in Egypt,
but I find myself drowning in it
all the same.
Tuesday, April 23, 2024
Slothman
Superman came from the planet Krypton.
He can fly to Jupiter and be back before you knew he was gone.
Nobody on Earth can equal his might.
Nothing can hurt him except kryptonite.
His flights through space have been farther than NASA's.
He can disguise himself with a simple pair of glasses.
He can cause a hurricane with a single breath
and once he even managed to come back from death.
He can clear the tallest building in a single leap
and do all this while Slothman is still fast asleep.
Monday, April 22, 2024
Sunday, April 21, 2024
Flamingo
The pipe under our sink
would resemble your neck, I think,
if only it were pink.
Among your many talents
is your ability to balance
in a one-legged stance
making you look graceful
as though in a dance.
Saturday, April 20, 2024
Our Only Vice (with apologies to Wallace Stevens)
Don't call the roller of big cigars.
We gave up smoking years ago.
Never mind the concupiscent curds.
We just want the soft serve to flow.
Let the wenches wear what they want.
It's nobody's business anyway.
Don't bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Just bring us each a butterscotch sundae.
Then you will see how our eyes will gleam.
Our only vice is eating ice cream.
Friday, April 19, 2024
Legacy
I inherited my father's crooked teeth
and ears that look like jug handles.
I also got my mother's gnarly feet.
It's why you never see me wearing sandals.
Thursday, April 18, 2024
Toon
I'd like to be a cartoon character,
existing as flickers on a screen.
I could be annihilated one moment
and be back in the very next scene.
Wednesday, April 17, 2024
Tuesday, April 16, 2024
Hours
I measure time by the shadows
that flicker on the walls of this room.
The hours feel like a constant backflow.
The trees outside the window are slow to bloom.
Monday, April 15, 2024
Stomach Bug Aftermath
Last night I had no desire to sup.
I had some coffee in a tiny cup.
That and 2 pieces of toast completely filled me up.
Sunday, April 14, 2024
The Wind
Sometimes I think the wind is the ghost of someone I used to be.
Sometimes I think it wants to be a river heading out to sea.
Sometimes I think the wind is a soul that's lost its way.
Sometimes I think it's a rowdy child who only wants to play.
Sometimes I think the wind is a widower wandering the world alone.
Sometimes I think it's looking for a home it has never known.
Sometimes I think the wind is a bodiless mind in flight.
Sometimes I think it's the restless dreams of those who lie awake at night.
Sometimes I think the wind sings the only worthwhile song.
Sometimes I think it beckons me to follow it to the only place I belong. - Jeff Barnes
Saturday, April 13, 2024
The Cheese Poem
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. - G.K. Chesterton
Friday, April 12, 2024
Thursday, April 11, 2024
Wednesday, April 10, 2024
Tuesday, April 9, 2024
Monday, April 8, 2024
Ill Met
She was the sunshine of your life,
that is, if you had been a vampire.
She said she never wanted to let you go
and she dug into you like barbed wire.
Sunday, April 7, 2024
Letter from Hell
The last I remember,
it was a gray winter Sunday.
Saturday, April 6, 2024
When the Chinamen Come
My grandfather, the old bastard,
was always obsessed with the idea
that China would someday
take over the world.
Friday, April 5, 2024
Three Rocks
At age ten he loved
to go to the banks
of the creek in the woods
and look for rocks.
He would bring home
the most interesting ones,
rinse them off
and display them on his
bedroom shelves.
His parents were certain
that he was an aspiring geologist.
his life away
Thursday, April 4, 2024
The Queen of Cups
The Queen of Cups is happy tonight.
Her wavy silver hair reflects
the blue dusk and sliver
of moon
and swirls
like a vortex of moving sky
as she dances
to the songs of
a northern mockingbird.
Wednesday, April 3, 2024
Creation Myth #8,693,212
The sun didn't come up this morning,
but a giant fried egg rose in the sky.
A purple gorilla waved at me
as he flew by on an atomic pie.
Tuesday, April 2, 2024
In the Beginning
After the used bookstore closed
and everyone with us had fled
to wherever they were going
we stood alone in the parking lot
and decided to have our first dessert
together, pumpkin ice cream
served up in waffle cones.
Monday, April 1, 2024
Balthazar Bumbershoot
Balthazar Bumbershoot had a mouth on each hand
and a shiny gold bugle where a mouth should be.
Most people, as you know, have two legs
but Balthazar Bumbershoot had three.
Sunday, March 31, 2024
Tanka
Outside the window
Sunday passes more quickly
than it does in here.
Dogs' barks fade in the sunset
as I light the room with lamps. - Jeff Barnes
Monday, January 22, 2024
The Bluebird (With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)
On a day quite bright and cheery, I was feeling rather eerie as I read a volume of my favorite writer, Edgar Allan Poe. While I read a tale so gruesome, a brisk breeze suddenly blew some annoying visitor through some, through some forgotten window. A bluebird of happiness blew in through some open window and he tweeted, "Cheer up, bro!"