Monday, September 16, 2024

Dream

Last night I had a dream that I was watching TV and really had to go to the bathroom. A commercial came on, so I tried to rush to the bathroom so I would get back before the show started again. I was almost to the bathroom when Mike Nesmith of the Monkees rushed in and got there before me, and he turned around and gave me a very smug look. Then I woke up and really did have to go to the bathroom.

Sunday, August 18, 2024

Haiku

Rainy August day --
Trump flag in the neighbor's yard,
waterlogged and limp. - Jeff Barnes

Wednesday, July 24, 2024

Lyndon's Johnson

Lyndon Johnson's johnson was his pride and joy.
It was bigger than Robert McNamara's,
bigger than Ho Chi Minh's over  in Hanoi.

He liked to wave it around.  He even named it Jumbo.
He said, "It's the biggest thing you've ever seen
and as delicious as the most succulent gumbo."

Any time he got the urge, he'd whip it out and pee.
"I'm so goddamned proud of this thing," he said,
"I only wish I were allowed to show it on TV!"

He had the bathroom altered because he valued cleanness.
He had the plumber install a shower nozzle
that pointed directly at the presidential penis.

"I have a big nose," he said. "My hair is turning gray,
but with a penis the size of mine, I declare
I should be more of a ladies' man than JFK!" - Jeff Barnes 

Thursday, July 18, 2024

Haiku

Black butterfly lands
on my hand as I walk out
to mail a letter. - Jeff Barnes

Thursday, May 16, 2024

Haiku

My hand's a pillow
for the old cat's sleepy head.
Lazy summer day. - Jeff Barnes

Thursday, May 2, 2024

Haiku

Above the roadway
twisting like a wind-blown rope --
snake in a hawk's beak. - Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Parts

Frankenstein, when you put me together
you surely must have been drinking,
otherwise I simply cannot imagine
what  in the world  you must have been thinking.

You gave me this cadaverous face
and a big, flat, ugly head.
Couldn't you have given me the face
of  Rudolph Valentino instead?

Look at these hands you sewed on!
Your work was careless and botchy.
Why could you not have given me
the hands of Liberace?

I hate these feet you gave me,
so big, clunky, and smelly.
Why, oh why didn't you give me
the graceful feet of Gene Kelly?

This voice I have, alas,
is as unlovely as my body.
How I wish you had given me
the larynx of Pavarotti.

The brain you put in my head
is impulsive and downright stupid.
You should have given me the brain
of Socrates or Einstein or Euclid.

People run screaming when they see me
and I feel that you, my creator, betrayed me,
for you were so driven, hasty, and careless
that you did a slipshod job when you made me. - Jeff Barnes

Monday, April 29, 2024

To My Neighbor

You'd better pray
to the gun-toting
white Jesus you  worship
that I never gain
magical powers,

for I would use them 
on your pickup truck,
turning it from deep blue
to hot pink

and every time you 
revved the engine
(to compensate for you know what)
your tailpipes would blast
Taylor Swift songs,

and the misogynistic,
pro-gun, and Trump
stickers you have plastered 
all over
would suddenly
transform and read
WOKE AF! - Jeff Barnes

Sunday, April 28, 2024

Sijo

Standing more than twice my height
and just as long as our house,
your fifty-toothed mouth eager to rip 
the meat off your prey, 
you inspire pure horror,
though dead these sixty-five million years. - Jeff Barnes

Saturday, April 27, 2024

Black Lagoon Sonnet

Nothing makes me as happy as the nights
when I can look up at the full moon.
I love to see its rippling, dancing light
on the surface of the Black Lagoon.

It makes me think of the lady who swam with me
in what seemed an underwater ballet.
Her movements were smooth,  graceful, and free,
but the men she was with tried to take me away.

They thought they had killed me but here I remain.
I will never leave my only home.
My feelings for her all were in vain
and now I only want to be left alone.

I feel the caress of water and hear the toucans' songs
here in the only place I will ever belong. - Jeff Barnes

Friday, April 26, 2024

Haiku

This April backdrop:
flowers, robins, trees in bloom --
political signs. - Jeff Barnes


Thursday, April 25, 2024

Wishes

I wish I had hair like David Lynch
but not like Kim Jon Un.
I wish I could have a shootout at noon
but only with a water gun.

I wish I could paint like Vincent Van Gogh
but I want to keep both my ears.
I wish I could write as well as John Keats
but live a lot more years.

I wish I could run as fast as a cheetah
across the Serengeti
and lose about eighty-five pounds
on a diet of pizza and spaghetti.

I wish I had the strength of Superman
and could squeeze diamonds out of coal.
I wish I were as good looking as Narcissus
without being such an asshole.

There are so many things I wish for
to make my life more sweet,
but if all my wishes were horses
there'd be nothing but shit on the streets. - Jeff Barnes

Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Absent Friend

Denial, the old joke says,
is not a river in Egypt,
but I find myself drowning in it
all the same.

You would  have appreciated that,
fond of wordplay as you were.

I read your old e-mails
when I wish I could
talk to you.

I drink tea and listen
to the steady blowing
of the vent in this office,
a background noise
to accompany my drift
into the past,

to the time I made you laugh,
almost causing the Coke
you were drinking
to come out your nose
and how you did the same to me
a few minutes later
and grinned that gotcha back
grin at me.

The day after you died
I got a piece of junk mail 
offering me a deal
on my final expenses,
and on the anniversary
of your passing, I 
got the same offer in the mail

and I believed you were
messing with me from the other side,
at least that is what I
chose to believe because
I deny any notion that
I will never see you again.
I deny the idea that you
are gone forever,
that you are not still around
shaking loose these memories
from the vault of my sorrow
to help me write this poem to you. - Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Slothman

Superman came from the planet Krypton.
He can fly to Jupiter and  be back before you knew he was gone.
Nobody on Earth can equal his might.
Nothing can hurt him except kryptonite.
His flights through space have been farther than NASA's.
He can disguise himself with a simple pair of glasses.
He can cause a hurricane with a single breath
and once he even managed to come back from death.
He can clear the tallest building in a single leap
and do all this while Slothman is still fast asleep.

Wonder Woman honed her skills early in her youth.
She finds out what she wants by using her lasso of truth.
She has all powerful bracelets of submission.
You can't defeat her. That would be a futile mission.
You can't equal her brains or her brawn.
She is the greatest of all the Amazons.
She proves that females are not the weaker gender.
See her fly though the air in all her splendor,
while Slothman, in his tree, has no intention of alighting.
He is content to let others do the fighting.

Batman is dark, moody and introspective.
He is truly the world's greatest detective.
He prowls the city from night until morning.
He lurks in shadows and strikes without warning.
While we are sleeping safely in our sheets
he is patrolling Gotham City's streets.
He'll be out there until daylight,
for, as he likes to remind us, he is the night.
He will fight supervillains as well as lowly thieves,
while Slothman is content to loaf and munch on leaves.

Then one day came a great aberration.
Something destroyed the Earth, every continent and nation
and almost everything else in creation.
There was destruction in every location.
The planet was consumed in a great conflagration
as though everyone suffered eternal damnation.
What led to this dreadful situation?
There is one clue as to its causation:
The superheroes all went on vacation
and left Slothman in charge of the Justice League's space station. - Jeff Barnes

Monday, April 22, 2024

Haiku

Streams of silver black
like a moonlit waterfall
cascade down your back. - Jeff Barnes

Sunday, April 21, 2024

Flamingo

The pipe under our sink
would resemble your neck, I think,
if only it were pink.

Among your many talents
is your ability to balance
in a one-legged stance
making you look graceful
as though in a dance.

You are quite fleet
thanks to your webbed feet,
when you run on the water
without the slightest totter.
You're truly a water trotter!

You and your mate
are never apart.
You flex your necks
into the shape of a heart
as you stand beak to beak
in Thane Creek. - Jeff Barnes

Saturday, April 20, 2024

Our Only Vice (with apologies to Wallace Stevens)

Don't call the roller of big cigars.
We gave up smoking years ago.
Never mind the concupiscent curds.
We just want the soft serve to flow.
Let the wenches wear what they want.
It's nobody's business anyway.
Don't bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Just bring us each a butterscotch sundae.
Then you will see how our eyes will gleam.
Our only vice is eating ice cream.

I take from the dresser of deal
whatever t-shirt suits my whim.
I always buy them in 3X size,
for it's been ages since I was slim.
We get into our softest jeans
and put comfy sneakers on our feet.
We start up the car on this sunny day
and go out to get ourselves a treat.
We wear loose clothing so as not to rip our seams.
Our only vice is eating ice cream. - Jeff Barnes

Friday, April 19, 2024

Legacy

I inherited my father's crooked teeth
and ears that look like jug handles.
I also got my mother's gnarly feet.
It's why you never see me wearing sandals.

Mom also left me her arthritic knees.
I don't walk so much as I limp.
Both parents left me their FTO genes.
I struggle not to resemble the Goodyear blimp.

Some say they are haunted by family ghosts.
I shake my head and scoff at such fools.
The thing that troubles me the most
is being haunted by my own gene pool. - Jeff Barnes

Thursday, April 18, 2024

Toon

I'd like to be a cartoon character,
existing as flickers on a screen.
I could be annihilated one moment
and be back in the very next scene.

I'd suffer nothing more than a sooty face
after being blown up by dynamite,
or be intact and healthy as ever
after falling from a precipitous height.

If a giant anvil fell from the sky
and crushed me into the ground
my body would resemble an accordion,
and make funny music as I walked around.

Nothing could end me forever.
No matter what, I would be restored,
for such a thing would be predestined 
in the next frame of the storyboard. - Jeff Barnes

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Haiku

Robin's song drowned out
by the roaring pickup truck.
Redneck neighborhood. - Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Hours

I measure time by the shadows
that flicker on the walls of this room.
The hours feel like a constant backflow.
The trees outside the window are slow to bloom.

Cobwebs and dust motes are captured in sunlight,
little worlds that hang suspended in air.
I don't bother to turn on the light
or even to rise from this chair.

The red light on the radio tower flashes
on top of the hill in the west.
Our cat came home as a box of ashes.
My heart beats weakly in my chest.

My thoughts feel like a constant logjam.
The afternoon is slipping away at last.
Sometimes I forget how old I am
and how much time has passed.  - Jeff Barnes

Monday, April 15, 2024

Stomach Bug Aftermath

Last night I had no desire to sup.
I had some coffee in a tiny cup.
That and 2 pieces of toast completely filled me up.

Perhaps it was too much eating and drinking?
Could it be that my stomach is shrinking?
Or is that merely wishful thinking? - Jeff Barnes

Sunday, April 14, 2024

The Wind

Sometimes I think the wind is the ghost of someone I used to be.
Sometimes I think it wants to be a river heading out to sea.
Sometimes I think the wind is a soul that's lost its way.
Sometimes I think it's a rowdy child who only wants to play.
Sometimes I think the wind is a widower wandering the world alone.
Sometimes I think it's looking for a home it has never known.
Sometimes I think the wind is a bodiless mind in flight.
Sometimes I think it's the restless dreams of those who lie awake at night.
Sometimes I think the wind sings the only worthwhile song.
Sometimes I think it beckons me to follow it to the only place I belong. - Jeff Barnes

Saturday, April 13, 2024

The Cheese Poem

 Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. - G.K. Chesterton


I would like some cheese.
I beg you please,
don't be a tease.
Bring on the cheese
and I'll think you are the bee's knees
and give you an affectionate squeeze.

It can be blue cheese or Swiss.
They won't go amiss.
Or maybe Camembert or Brie.
Either one would suit me
and in fact bring me glee.

A few slices of Gouda
would get me stoked,
especially if it's smoked.

A bit of Mozzarella
would make me a happy fella.
As would some cheddar
be it white or yella.
 
A slab of Muenster
would make me as happy as a funster
or maybe even a punster.

I really dig parmesan.
It is totally gone,
or some Asiago, Daddy-o.
I'll dine out on the patio.

I'd enjoy some Colby
if it isn't moldy.
Bring me some Edam,  oh please, Madame!
That would make me happy as a clam!

I think some Havarti
would be nice and hearty.
Bring me some and you'll be
the life of the party.

I don't ask for lobster or steak
or even  cookies or cake,
nor even a bowl of corn flakes.
All I ask of you, please,
is to bring me some cheese! - Jeff Barnes

Friday, April 12, 2024

Haiku

Emerging, at last, as if from another world. Virus kicked my ass. - Jeff Barnes

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Haiku

These early spring rains
are no longer comforting.
Aging skeleton.  - Jeff Barnes

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

Haiku

Still no appetite
but maybe I'll lose some weight.
Stomach bug, day two. - Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Haiku

Nasty stomach bug --
wife and cat stay by my side.
Blankets feel like love. - Jeff Barnes

Monday, April 8, 2024

Ill Met

She was the sunshine of your life,
that is, if you had been a vampire.
She said she never wanted to let you go
and  she dug into you like barbed wire.

She was the apple of your eye
with a nasty little worm in it.
She crammed an eternity of misery
into each and every minute.

You said that she had you at hello.
You should have run the other way.
Your answer was always, "Well, love hurts."
You always fell back on that cliche.

You said her words were like honey to you,
but it was like heroin pouring from her lips.
You said  that she blinded you with love.
You might as well have stared into an eclipse.

I wish I could undo what's been done.
I wish those years had all been a bad dream.
But now you are gone forever.
like debris floating away downstream. - Jeff Barnes

Sunday, April 7, 2024

Letter from Hell

The last I remember,
it was a gray winter Sunday.

I look outside 
my dirty window
at the empty branches
of a dead tree.

The afternoon is late
but never ending.

I walk down the empty street
in the shadows of buildings
that resemble broken,
decaying teeth.

Night will never fall
and no matter how long
I wander these sidewalks
to tire myself out,
I know that I will never
sleep again.

Wish you were here. - Jeff Barnes

Saturday, April 6, 2024

When the Chinamen Come

My grandfather, the old bastard,
was always obsessed with the idea
that China would someday
take over the world.

I don't know how many times
we heard him say,
"The Chinamen gonna come."

Whenever my sister or I
would complain about anything
his response was the same.
"You think it's bad now, just wait
till the Chinamen come."

Anytime we didn't like 
a certain food he'd say,
"Just wait. You will learn to eat it
when the Chinamen come."

He was such a tightwad that
if he were alive today,
he would do most of his shopping
at dollar stores for things
made in Chinese sweat shops,

and I can imagine him smiling smugly
if Chinese soldiers surrounded
my sister and me as
we were forced to eat
liver, zucchini, and beets
at gunpoint. - Jeff Barnes

Friday, April 5, 2024

Three Rocks

At age ten he loved
to go to the banks
of the creek in the woods
and look for rocks.
He would bring home
the most interesting ones,
rinse them off
and display them on his
bedroom shelves.
His parents were certain
that he was an aspiring geologist.

At age sixteen
he only grudgingly went to school
but his real passion
was his guitar.
He would play along
with his records,
learning every song he could,
and knew that someday
he would be a rock star.

At age seventy-two
he thinks back to the days
of collecting rocks
and wanting to be a rock star
as he rocks
and rocks
and rocks
his life away
in his rocking chair. - Jeff Barnes

Thursday, April 4, 2024

The Queen of Cups

The Queen of Cups is happy tonight.
Her wavy silver hair reflects
the blue dusk and sliver
of moon

and swirls 
like a vortex of moving sky
as she dances
to the songs of 
a northern mockingbird.


Her eyes reflect the stars,
her laughter a counterpoint
to the calls of
the spring peepers

and when she lies down
in the grass 
her sleeping breath harmonizes
with the sound
of the stream that runs
just beyond the trees. - Jeff Barnes

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

Creation Myth #8,693,212

The sun didn't come up this morning,
but a giant fried egg rose in the sky.
A purple gorilla waved at me
as he flew by on an atomic pie.

Blue jays were swimming in the river.
A blue whale went out for a walk.
A giraffe flew by in a helicopter,
in hot pursuit of the Jabberwock.

Three platypuses played poker in my living room
and asked if they could deal me in.
"No thanks," I said. "I just bought a new unicycle
and I'd like to  take it for a spin."

As I rode my unicycle around the block
a man with a bow and arrow came by.
He looked up, took aim, and shot
an arrow at the egg in the sky.

This archer's aim was quite flawless.
The nucleus of the giant egg broke.
And that's how the world as we knew it
became an endless sea of yolk. - Jeff Barnes

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

In the Beginning

After the used bookstore closed
and everyone with us had fled
to wherever they were going
we stood alone in the parking lot
and decided to have our first dessert
together, pumpkin ice cream
served up in waffle cones.

We stayed until the ice cream joint
closed and even afterwards
we lingered in the parking lot
on that October night.

The blue outfit, complete with blue boots,
you wore to the movie the following week
brought to mind the lyrics from a Rolling Stones song
about seeing the sky in front of you.

Shortly before Halloween we went to a party
and met a self-styled psychic who said our love
was forbidden and that you would move
to California and marry a doctor and that I
would end up married to a blonde woman
I would meet at work.

Eleven years later, you and I
still look back on that day
and burst out laughing at that dumb bitch. - Jeff Barnes

Monday, April 1, 2024

Balthazar Bumbershoot

Balthazar Bumbershoot had a mouth on each hand
and a shiny gold bugle where a mouth should be.
Most people, as you know,  have two legs
but Balthazar Bumbershoot had three.

He had two eyes under his eyebrows
and two more on either side of his nose.
He had purple fingernails on his green fingers
and green toenails on his purple toes.

He had a horn much like a unicorn
sticking out of his forehead.
The tip of it had a little light
that  at night glowed a bright shade of red.

One day wings sprouted from his ears
and he flew away like a big bird.
He said he couldn't stay here anymore
because this world was just too absurd. - Jeff Barnes

Sunday, March 31, 2024

Tanka

Outside the window
Sunday passes more quickly
than it does in here.
Dogs' barks fade in the sunset
as I light the room with lamps. - Jeff Barnes

Monday, January 22, 2024

The Bluebird (With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

On a day quite bright and cheery, I was feeling rather eerie as I read a volume of my favorite writer, Edgar Allan Poe. While I read a tale so gruesome, a brisk breeze suddenly blew some annoying visitor through some, through some forgotten window. A bluebird of happiness blew in through some open window and he tweeted, "Cheer up, bro!"

I sat in my chair not heeding, determined to keep on reading
and ignoring this stupid bluebird who through the window had come,
with his cheery disposition, unlike any apparition,
he was clearly on a mission, a mission to make me succumb.
To a happy disposition he wanted me to succumb.
Quoth the Bluebird, "Why so glum?"
I tried to read of woe and gloom, the bluebird wouldn't leave the room
save when he flew out and brought me in his beak a yellow buttercup.
I was feeling vexed and crappy, he was being blithe and sappy,
determined to make me happy, happy, carefree and brightened up.
He wanted me to laugh, smile, be mirthful and to brighten up.
Quoth the Bluebird, "Lighten up!"
At this point I'd had quite enough of all this mawkish maudlin stuff.
I wanted to be left alone and now I was in a terrible snit.
I went and brought in my pet cat and I told him "Have at that!
It's a bluebird tasty and fat, a fat, delicious tidbit!"
My hungry cat went after that fat tasty looking tidbit
Quoth the Bluebird, "Holy shit!" - Jeff Barnes